I Promise Not to Laugh During the Seance

Go Lions... sort of

2011-10-04T13:08:00.002-05:00

Every year, Leonard (die-hard Lions fan, even though I was the one who hooked him on football) would say,"This year the Lions are going to do better." Each year he would be...wrong. I, even as a Packer fan would feel (sort of) bad for him. When they went 0-16 I thought about how it would have really bummed him out. Our son (for some crazy, whacked out reason) picked the Lions (over my Packers ) to obsess over.

Last weekend, we went to a local restaurant where they show all of the games all of the time (it's like Football Christmas!) to watch the Lions play the Cowboys. I left out that we are now living in...Houston, Texas. Where you are either a Texans fan or an idiot...I mean Cowboys fan (with a few Saints fans in there too, but they get a pass because a lot of them, like me, moved here from NOLA). Anyway, we were stuck at a table (read pool table covered by a board, covered by a table cloth) with a bunch of Cowboys fans. When the Texans play, the Cowboys don't, in Houston... Unless you have Directv, or go to the bar, but I digress.

We have been going to this restaurant for 3 seasons. The manager, taking pity on my son's aloneness as the only Lions fan in a sea of other fans of winning teams, often gave him a room to himself, with sound (!) because most of the games are televised without, except for one in each room. Did I mention the part where this restaurant is also the home base of the Browns in Houston (they still have a few fans I guess)?

On Sunday we were late...hence the pool table seats...with the Cowboys fans. And it sucked...really bad for 3-ish quarters. From the graphic showing Stafford held to -1 in offense in the 1st to the kicking of the trash can...and then it got really good. And the Houston game ended just about the time things were turning into what looked like an obtainable win for the Lions. And, before you could say "Romo has to go" (I got that one from the fan across from me)a group of Texan fans were standing behind my son's chair, high fiving James with each score. Shaking his shoulders and becoming, for one instant, fellow Lions fans. I think they were more "Not Cowboy" fans but all the same, my son had comrades in his cheering again. (Because he knows I'm kind of faking it when I cheer for the Lions).

James' team is currently 3-1... We are hoping that the 1 stays a 1. For the first time he played on offense last week at tight end. Let's just say he is grateful to be back on the defensive side of the ball. I am amazed at how well he is doing and, also, how gigantic he looks on the field in his uniform. I always tend to look for the little guys, only there aren't very many out there anymore. He is making marvelous attempts at studying, all the while muttering,"I hate new 'pro-active' mom..." Last year, we tried giving him assignment and studying responsibility. Luckily, he passed the 7th grade in spite of it.

A housekeeping note. I am not one to typically delete comments, even the not so nice ones. For the first time ever, I did. I would like to extend to that person the message that they may post anything they wish, as long as it is not excessive in its vulgarity (this was) nor outright slander (this also was, as records show). Other than that, have at me.

Friday Night Lights

2011-07-13T10:01:00.005-05:00

I forgot how much I loved that movie, once I got all hooked into the television show. James and I watched it last night (I don't think he has ever seen it) and it never ceases to make me cry. I am, somehow, amazed that they never pull it off in the end.

So far, we've been having a really nice, if not sweltering, summer. James got to go to a real live drive in for the first time ever. Just a bit up the road from us is a two screen drive in. I had stumbled upon it be accident (and traffic tie up) last summer and meant to go. A friend called and asked if we wanted to meet her and her boys up there to see Cars 2, so we did. Unfortunately Cars 2 and Pirates was sold out, so we watched Green Lantern and X-Men. It was so very nice to sit outside in lawn chairs as the sun went down. Nothing beats a Texas sunset. We've had quite a few cook outs and the 4th was a great day spent with friends.

We're attempting to plan the annual trip to Cedar Point to visit my daughter. It is hard to do when you think of the drive...plus scheduling time to see her around her very busy schedule.

My "job" is hilarious and annoying all rolled into one giant 6 pack of beer. No one ever told me how interesting the people who visit a convenience store can be. I am a cigarette pack version of Lucy from "Charlie Brown", although I rarely have any advice after I am told some of their stories... I often find myself walking away thinking, "Darn that would make for a good book." I always seem to have an excuse not to write these days.

This is the birthday/anniversary stretch... If I pretend it doesn't exist, it can't hurt me, right?

Woof...and Wellness

2011-06-10T11:57:00.003-05:00

So here come the dog days of summer, and it is only the beginning of June. Luckily we are to cool down to the low 90's by the weekend. Go Team Texas!

James made it through the last day of school (surprise! and here's to a better next year) and we drove out to San Antonio to visit my cousin Patti. I haven't seen her since last year, when illness combined with a couple of hospital induced setbacks occurred. She is better, but it is horrifying to see one who was always healthy so frail and tiny. It is far more horrifying to realize that it was through mistakes that could have been avoided.

Did I tell you yet how HOT it is here?

The Longest Last Week of School Ever...

2011-05-26T21:16:00.003-05:00

Conversation from this morning:

"Mom, I'm really not feeling well."

"Well, let's get you something to eat and get you woken up a bit."

"Can't I just take the day off? A mental health day?"

"James...there's like 5 days of school left. Just buck up. It'll be fine."

"Come on..."

Here's where I must say, it's a real bummer when your child starts throwing your own (let's call it) encouragement (instead of guilt trip) back in your face.

"Come on James. Do this for me."

"Do this for ME, Mom."

Well, of course, he went to school (not) happily. And, somehow, managed. I swear this last week has already lasted at least two months.

Between Then and Now

2011-05-18T12:36:00.005-05:00

When I think back on the last year, I realize that we were busier than it appears when I slog through yet another day. There is so much I want to update, and so very hard to begin.

Let's begin with James. It was a great and awful year all at the same time. I know that sounds ridiculous but it will make sense (sort of) in a minute. He was gobbled up by the Texas machine, otherwise known as football, last Fall. Along with the trepidation of thinking that each second he will be flattened on the field, is the realization that it was really good for him. James, as is a family trait, has anger "issues". His grief often, at 12, manifests itself as frustration and sometimes unabated mad at the world. In football he can gather up a lot of it and throw it out...leaving it somewhere between the hash marks. As long as he doesn't get hurt and/or we have insurance. Yes it's the over protective mother in me. I can't help it. Because we are both big (Go Packers---except he's a Lions fan) fans of the game, we found a restaurant that plays all NFL games every weekend. The management either fell in love with him and/or felt sorry for his Lions fanness and, most weekends, seat him in his own private section with sound, to watch the game. I am forced to watch the Packer game, without sound, on a side screen.

Nicole spent the winter with us. She's I guess what you would call an anti-college student. Spends the winters off, and works the summers at Cedar Point. As usual, she lands on her feet and was promoted to a supervisory position. I can only hope that one day she will revisit the hallowed halls of an institute for higher education. This year, at least, I talked her into getting health insurance through her job.

Me? I've been working a few hours at the corner store. To get out of the house and meet new people. And what people I have met. In three hours at the store, one can learn that A. most people hire someone else to do their lawns (they all heat up their lunch here), B. A lot of my neighbors enjoy a beer...or 24 every day, and C. There's a reason why many convenience stores only allow employees to use the bathroom.

Well, that lasted for a very long time...

2011-05-16T23:59:00.002-05:00

Blogging was helpful for me. And then I began to feel as if it was too much navel gazing and not enough action. So I acted. And made lots of mistakes and found out I was actually acting, and not living. I have, over the past 12 months, been in a suspended state. Living without really putting the effort forth. I realized then that blogging was more than just writing down just how awful things could be. It was a way to work through (or attempt to work through) the grief, the pain, the fear.

And so...

Here I am again. I hope you'll still have me.

No Nightmares here

2010-05-01T11:24:00.002-05:00

I took James to see the new "Nightmare on Elm Street" last night. Note to parents of tweens-there's no nudity, a few scenes with the "F" word, and a few scenes of extreme gore. It was okay. Well, no it wasn't because I am not much of a blood and gore horror movie fan. Give me old Dracula movies with Bella Lugosi any day. That said, what never ceases to amaze me is how often people talk, OUT LOUD, during a movie. I rarely make a comment but it is frustrating to sit next to someone who is chatting with their friends and TEXTING on their little brightened screen that keeps pulling my attention from the movie. Yes, I am one of "those people" who wishes you would talk with your friends before/after the movie and not make me an unwitting participant in what "Joe told Kelly yesterday..." That's not to say that I mind someone saying,"Don't give her the shot! Then she'll fall asleep and be dead!" I don't mind that at all. It's someone talking to the movie, about the movie...and it's actually pretty funny, most of the time.

James swore he wasn't going to fall asleep, then fell promptly to sleep on the car ride home. Those of you who know James well know how much fun I had dragging my little sleep walkin', sleep talkin' (er yelling) man into the house.

Today, I am being rather lazy. We are down to staples for groceries and I think we'll stay that way til at least Monday. I am trying to get a bit of ChaCha guiding in. Except one can only handle the word "Wat" (should have been what) so many times.

It is hot here in Texas World, which could mean a dip in the pool later on. If I remember where I put my swimsuit.

It's...um...April, that's right April!

2010-04-26T23:59:00.002-05:00

And that has been the toughest adjustment, in some ways, to life in Texas. Being smack dab in the middle of April and thinking it is June. I took James to a Houston Astros game on Friday night (they do fireworks and we love them!) and, sitting there in the warm breeze, it felt so much like a balmy, perfect June evening...in Michigan. I am not complaining. It just messes with one's sense of time, when one has had issues with that her whole life anyway.

James and I played football in the yard tonight. Well, we played catch and he ran routes that he made up and gave to me. Yes, my young son has been sucked into the massive machine that is the Texas youth football program. It is daunting, and yet seeing the sparkle in his eyes is a good thing. When I'm not obsessing over the types of injuries that can be had on the field. I love, LOVE watching football. I am not so sure that I will love, LOVE watching my son play. We'll see. For now, it's fun to toss the football back and forth and, every once in a while, get a "Hey, that was an awesome throw, Mom!" in return for my efforts. He is fun. He makes things fun.

My mom and grandma are coming down for a few weeks in the middle of May. I am really happy they are coming down, and yet sad because my dad was planning on coming down at the end of May. I cannot have everything and dealing will have to be done I guess. I am hoping Grandma is cheerful and a good time is had. I have been stressing myself with worry-financial what ifs and the like. Living in the moment is not a strong point of mine and some days I just wish for either A. do the things you planned on getting done or B. don't get them done but don't beat yourself up over it. I'll let you know how that goes.

A mushy post about my son

2010-04-21T09:44:00.002-05:00

I am sitting here, at the breakfast bar, looking at my son's to do list. No, I didn't assign him chores. He assigned them himself.

In lopsided printing it goes something like this (words in parenthesis are my additions):

My Chores

1. Straighten ("Mom, how do you spell straighten?) room every day.
2. Clean/scrub my bathroom once a week.
3. Mow lawn and do outside work once a week.

Both Things (meaning both of us)

Go through boxes (hey, don't judge...it's only been a year and 4 months!)

Mom's things

Everything else there is to do.

---------------------------------------

I am honored to have this child in my life. While it is a struggle to (almost have to) force him to be a little boy, the things he does around the house to help out are amazing. I never have to worry about what a guest might find in that bathroom. I know where all of his laundry is on laundry day. These are the best parts of his daddy that I am watching come through in his son. Leonard would be so proud. Now if I could only get him to let go of the uber responsibility streak (the worst part of his daddy) I would be a happy girl.

Nicole (it is so difficult to speak of her without missing her) is going back for a second year at "the Point" as a ride host. "The Point" is Cedar Point for those who do not live in or near the Great Lakes area. While I wish she would go back to school...she is happy.

I wind this up with a shout out to my friend Rach, who is a new mommy, again, to a beautiful baby girl. Welcome to the world Eleanor. You could not have been born into a more wonderful family.

Patty

2010-04-11T22:22:00.002-05:00

Patty just came down for a visit. She is my best friend, almost sister, and Jimminy Cricket. We met when our daughters were both involved in Destination Imagination and she was their coach. I met her once, picking up Nicole, and then noticed that we kept running into each other at the same stores...buying the same things. Our daughters became fast friends, and so too did we. It took many months, but I finally was able to convince Leonard to meet them. He and Luke, her husband, were soon inseparable Star Trek/Computer/Card Geeks. We liked to call them the Moron twins. He is the one who found my husband. Because I asked him to.

Our daughters have grown and their friendship has waned. Patty is still the sister I always wanted but my parents never agreed to. She is the peas to my carrots...even though I hate peas. We think alike on most things, and disagree on a few. We can argue and still hug each other when the leaving time comes.

I still have her cup on the counter where she left it on the morning they departed.
It is hard to say goodbye again, and yet, in some ways, it is hard to see them too. When they are here there are the 3 of us adults. And someone is always missing. But I would not trade visits from them for the world. I am lucky that they will make the trek down here when so many in my own family find it too much, too long... too sad... too. They are the neutral ground that I chose to stay at when I go up to Michigan. This way, no feelings are hurt with family for I am staying with framily instead. I can't wait for July.

Sometimes

2010-03-25T21:51:00.002-05:00

Sometimes you have to call an old friend even if you're still mad at her.
Sometimes you have to do the same with your mother.
Sometimes you are going to be the only person on earth who really understands your daughter.
Sometimes it is the same with your son.
Sometimes you have to cry, and rant, and then scream, with the shower running so as not to scare your son.
Sometimes you have to laugh, and laugh, and then cry from laughter with that son.
Sometimes you will think that life isn't fair.
Sometimes you will realize that you were really lucky.
Sometimes tomorrow seems insurmountable, while today seems like it didn't get here yet.
Sometimes you will hate the mere act of throwing back a blanket on the couch and declaring nap over, and
Sometimes you won't know what to do once that blanket's gone.
Sometimes you will.
Sometimes.

Dancing with the Stars...and Feeling like a Fatty.

2010-03-23T00:21:00.002-05:00

Is it just me or does everyone want to get up and swirl around the room while watching this show? Is it just me or is everyone hoping that Kate G (is for however you spell her last name, and I don't want to add to Google hits anyway) will not advance very far? And Buzz Aldren...can we please let him win because...well, just because.

Anyway, I love this show. Even though it always makes me feel fat and inadequate and incapable of swirling around a dance floor.

Which brings me to a memory/story. Leonard had a boss who loved to dance to big band music. This man was 75, had emphysema, and still would foxtrot around the dance floor with his wife like a kid. He was more of a mentor/father he never had to my husband. When Leonard and I got married, he told him that he would foot the bill because more young people needed to learn how to dance properly. After a few years, we did. Sign up that is. And we were the only couple who signed up because dancing wasn't "in" at the adult ed center. We were told that couples were taking cooking classes, not dancing, and would we like to switch. Who wants to go learn how to cook, after cooking dinner for a family of four?

We set it aside. Enter "Dancing With the Stars" Leonard and I only watched the first season, but, midway through, we decided that maybe this would jump start the dance classes in Adult Ed. We were on a wait list for 2.5 years and never did take those classes.

So I didn't send out the Christmas Cards...

2010-02-22T11:54:00.002-06:00

...I basically breathed myself through the holidays and the weeks that came after. I think it has been so horrid of late because Texas is a bit more cold and miserable than it normally is at this time of year. I don't do well with clouds and doom.
My dad's been here for 3 weeks. We send him off back to Michigan tomorrow but I'm going to make like Katie Scarlett and think about that tomorrow.

The People That You Forget (or didn't think you had) to Buy For.

2009-12-19T18:36:00.002-06:00

This is already happening to me and it is not even *close* (hey, a week is like a month for someone like me who procrastinates) yet. I thought I was done shopping on Friday. Twice today I have had to add on to the list that I had already folded up and put into a drawer (as a reminder who to buy for next year). Thank heavens for little birdies letting me know about things. Why, oh why do we let ourselves get all twisted up over this?

I am attempting, for the first time since, to send out Christmas cards. It horrifies me to think that there are people I consider friends that probably don't realize I moved a year ago.

yes...

It has been a year. Sometimes that seems so short. Sometimes so long. It hasn't been as perfect as I dreamed on those nights that I dreamed of running away, but it has been the right thing. For us.

My father was readmitted to the hospital last night. He felt another reaction coming on so he hopped in the car, drove to the hospital and (this is the part that makes me smile) used his EpiPen in the lot. Why? Because he was afraid of having a reaction to the EpiPen. For some reason this makes me smile. He will be okay. Because he has to be.

What Laura did Next

2009-12-07T13:41:00.002-06:00

I always wanted to use that title (from one of my favorite ever books as a kid: "What Katy Did" and What Katy Did Next"). This is what I've been didding...er...doing... Well, I did it once and I kind of like it.

Find it here

It's C-c-c-o-l-d in Texas

2009-12-03T22:06:00.002-06:00

And I'm not talking about the "oh, your blood has just thinned out so much that a 60 degree day is cold to you" kind of cold. I'm talking about a "dang, its 38 degrees out and I haven't turned on the furnace and perhaps I should" kind of cold. Or a "OMG, it's forecasted to snow in Houston tomorrow" kind of cold. Take your pick. And I hate this kind of cold. I feel like I'm being duped. Yes, luckily, it is temporary. I hope.

My dad is doing okay. He's leaving on Saturday but we're not going to think about that right now. James buggered me into putting up the tree so we'll think about that right now. We'll think about that and how one of the kittens is being a very good girl about the whole thing and one of the kittens (we won't name names but it's Bella, the calico) cannot seem to help herself and sneaks over to first, sit under the tree, then, brush whiskers against the tree. This is soon followed by hesitant little bats at the ornamaments...finishing with wholesale, candy cane ripping, glass shattering cat attack. No, she hasn't climbed it-yet-but let's just say that I fully expect to wake up to that one of these mornings.

Let's Try Thanksgiving again.

2009-11-30T22:54:00.002-06:00

I finally made a turkey this year. And we finally sat down with my dad, James and I, and had dinner. To say that it was a bit exhausting after the driving, and the worrying, and the...well, the mess of it all would be to put it out of perspective. It just was. That's okay. I am thankful that my dad is well (?) and here. The question mark is because he had an incident where his lip swelled up again halfway through the drive back down. We drove straight through and it is a bit disconcerting to have that happen, especially when the person experiencing it had been on a ventilator only days beforehand. I mentally kicked myself for the rest of the drive. I should not have agreed to let him come back down with us. And yet I am glad he is here with us.

So all is ending well. Which is something to be thankful (again and again) for. I cannot and will not imagine what my life would be like without my dad.

James went back to school today without even an argument, not even an "I'm tired, because you kept me up to late, fed me the wrong dinner, hate me and want to see me miserable..." argument. Another thing to be thankful for.

Thoughts turn to putting up the tree and putting something underneath it. Also, how to keep kittens from wanting to perch among the branches. I can just tell that these two kittens of mine will be fascinated by it all. I am hoping to jinx myself into something different by posting that here.

Going Home

2009-11-27T23:39:00.002-06:00

That could mean so many things, but I am not sure if Michigan is my home, Texas...or no place at all.

Poppy is better. They are pretty sure it was a reaction to his hbp meds. He's coughing a bit, and swelled up from steroids, but otherwise fine. He is going to drive home with us for a week and then fly back. I'm happy about that, but also sad because it means he won't be down for Christmas.

It's amazing how many people we were able to see these past few days here, after Poppy got out of the hospital. My mother was mad because I would not leave to spend Thanksgiving with her and my aunt and uncle, 2 hours away, but I wasn't here for anything other than to make sure my dad was okay. I did manage to see her tonight. So, my name isn't total Mudd.

I am sleepy, disjointed and I am sure this isn't making much sense. I'll log in after I get home and have a straighter head. Thanks everyone, for thinking of us.

Helpless

2009-11-23T06:47:00.002-06:00

It is always scary to get that 4 AM phone call, more so when you are 1400 miles away and can't do anything immediate.

"Is this Laura Harper?" "Are you related to James XXXXX in any way?" (not my son, my dad).

My father is sick. They think it was an allergic reaction to a medication he is on. Please keep him in your thoughts. He is stable and on a ventilator and all I want to do is be able to is be there right now. I'm trying to coordinate so that I can drive up.

What's That You Say??

2009-11-19T22:17:00.002-06:00

James and I were driving to the mall tonight to meet a friend. He was flipping through the channels, and not finding much of anything. Hard to believe he can find not much of anything on an XM radio but there you have it. A few minutes into it he turns to me and says, "Hey, look! They changed the name to the Holy Channel." Say what? Yes, that's right. The Holy...er...Holly channel is already up and running on XM and I couldn't be more irritated about it. Really? Does this mean I can just skip Thanksgiving? Can I just tell you that I really don't want to walk down holly bedecked mall halls yet?

It was a good night. We met the friend, did some shopping (I'm not telling you what for because there will be more laughing and pointing of fingers) and then tried to catch part of my niece's basketball game. Okay, not really. We were trying to find her mother to give her something we bought her. We stopped by her house, and while we were standing there waiting for her to not come to the door, I remembered the game. We got there with 22 seconds to spare. I am a terrific aunt. I am a terrific aunt because I make other aunts look better when they show up at the halfway mark. Hey, I remembered...sort of...at least.

The "Black Friday" leaks are out...While a Blue Ray for $78 sounds fun, I think I'll be sleeping. I did "Black Friday" once and realized that, by the end of the morning, all of the things that I had purchased could have been purchased at noon for the same price.

Addiction

2009-11-18T11:50:00.003-06:00

Heavy title, right? It won't be (in fact I'll wager you'll be pointing your finger at me and laughing) by the end of this post.

I have an addiction, it's serious, and none of my good friends can help me with it. In fact, most times they aid and abet me.

Twilight...or, more specifically, Edward. Full. Blown. Addiction/Obsession/whatever. Why? It's not the writing (not especially well written) not the movie (if Kristen Stewart blinks her eyes 45 times with each line in "New Moon" I swear I'll only go back to see it again only once...maybe twice).

I think it's because, and this is silly even for me, he reminds me so much of Leonard (no not the vampire part).

I submit:
1. First and foremost-the overwhelming need and desire to protect every single person he cares for.
2. The clothing. Back in the "day" (1988 to be exact) my darling danced to the beat of..strike that...shop at the stores of...no... he just wore different clothes than everyone else.
3. The attitude. Anyone who knew him knew that Leonard belonged in a completely different century.
4. A myriad of other things that I'm just too tired to write here (trust me).

Or...

It's because I've got a thing for Robert Pattinson and have ever since Harry Potter and I've just finally found a way to rationalize...

Anyway, there it is. The first step to getting better is to admit you have a problem. Except now I wish I liked the taste of alcohol.

Another funny side note: I was the woman pointing and laughing at all the people lining up outside of Barnes and Nobles at 10 PM for a midnight book release, and mocking the "lack of life there, people". I have become the girl who calls her TX BFF repeatedly to see if she's "got them yet?" in reference to movie tickets. Someone stop me. There's children involved.

Days Like Today...

2009-11-17T12:10:00.002-06:00

...are the reason why I moved here. I can wake up, walk outside in my jammies (no worries, it's a high fence) and sit for awhile. I need to remind myself of that...often. Especially on days when the overwhelming urge to chuck it all and run again sets in. For I have been contemplating chucking. But I can't. I will do this. I must.

Whoever said that, in many ways, the second year is harder than the first was right. My absence here is indicative of a general absence I had for life...save for James, and his wellbeing. There was a gradual backslide again. A getting up, but not getting dressed. Writing the bills, doing the laundry (sort of), answering the phone (sometimes), getting together with friends (again, sometimes). The crushing shock of not seeing him walk through the door eased. The numbing, trudging, drudgery of the reality of a life without him set in. I handled it. Not well.

A positive is that I see healing in James. Gone are the mornings spent begging for a day off of school. While he still does not like school too much, he grudgingly goes along with the plan. He has friends. He has plans. He is a bright spot. He will be okay. This, I make sure of.

I am still trying to find ways to tether myself. I have temporary tethers: mainly the raising of James. He will grow up and he will be strong, and I will be proud to see him walk on to his future. And then what? This is what I push into the pantry and close the door on. Waiting to boil it up on another day.

We have had many visitors in the last year. As joyous as it is to see them walk through our door, the pain of them leaving sometimes leaves me breathless. Tiny little deaths strung along through the months.

Well Golly, I apologize for the morbidity of this entry. But the sun is shining, a new day has begun and I am still trying. I really am.

Running

2009-08-02T19:26:00.003-05:00

It's been a busy summer. Hence the not having the time (heart) to post much. Now, here I sit before I put the tacos on for dinner.

We have been lucky enough to have James' best friend John here for the summer. He is a great kid, dealing with the same loss of a dad that James is. It makes for a good friendship and brotherhood. Brotherhood, of course, comes with its share of arguments and tears... But nothing has been too bad to where John has asked for a ride home.

I have made a good friend and her sons were here for two weeks in July. A lot of fun was had, parents played Hide and Go Seek/Tag in the dark and I didn't bruise myself up too badly playing.

The pool is a blast. The only annoying part is the drying off and getting dressed. We appear to be going through blow up toys faster than anyone else in the neighborhood as the boys are into smash mouth swimming.

This is quick, but it's just me getting my feet wet again... no pun intended.

Happy Birthday Honey...

2009-07-14T23:55:00.001-05:00

How I wish I had a reason to make your favorite Rhubarb pie. I bought a couple of green tomatoes to fry up but that will wait until tomorrow. I miss you. I love you. I need you.

Up to things.

2009-06-11T09:34:00.003-05:00

I've been up to things. Several things...

James is no longer an elementary school baby. In fact, he's "on the list"! Yes, I am sounding utterly incoherent but the theme of his "graduation" was Hollywood. Is it just me or is it amazing to you how many "graduations" children go through nowadays? Anyway, it was fun, I finally got to see him interact with the teacher who "hated" him and I cried a lot. It is those moments, as I've said before, when his father isn't present that his absence is breathtaking. On the up side, for there is always an up side if you look hard enough, James' aunt and his great aunt were able to be there. On the even uppier side, my father (yay for dads!) came down the next day and is still here.

See the little kittens there? Aren't they cute? Want one?

In a fit of madness, blinded by the cuteness of it all--- one kitten for James turned into two kittens for James because I couldn't bear to take the tabby and leave the little runt calico all on her own. We are regretful, also amused. They are fun in a destructive, where's the Shamwow sort of way.

Look at that! Someone came and dug a huge hole in our backyard, and I paid them too! And the Homeowner's Association got all in my face, and I found out that Homeowner's Associations are the equivalent to GOD in Texas. I also found out that, even though I followed the rules and submittend everything and received an "Approval", they can decide that I hadn't. Yay for swimming pools though.

Strength

2009-05-27T16:02:00.002-05:00

Is kind of a joke right now. I am, to be honest, struggling.

Peace. Peace is what I wish I had...

Some great lyrics by O.A.R.:

I can almost believe that you're real
And it's love in my heart that I feel
But there's something between us
That can't seem to get through it all
If I could only read your mind
I would know how to save you this time
With love, love is worth the fall
If I could only save the day
Here in your world I could stay
For love, love is worth the fall
Show me the way, let me see
Into your soul let me breathe
I will wait through the ages
And watch you sleep
straight through the night
If I could only read your mind
I would know how to save you this time
With love, love is worth the fall
If I could save the day
Here in your world I could stay
For love, love is worth the fall
Sleep, darling sleep
Dream, darling dream
Open those dreams to me
Yeah, only read your mind
I would know how to save you this time
With love, love is worth the fall
Yeah if I could only save the day
Here in your world I would stay
For love, love is worth the fall
Love, love is worth the fall
I see you right there and you're smiling
Alone in your bed, that’s my love
It's better than listening
When nothing is said
I lay down beside you here
I do it for love Love,
love is worth the fall

Blogging on Paper

2009-05-03T22:13:00.002-05:00

When my grandfather died in 2001, my grandmother's doctor told her to keep a diary. She was a physical and emotional wreck. Not really because of the loss of my grandfather, but more because of the fact that he took care of her. On the day of his funeral her concern was "Who was going to drive me to the doctor?"

I had forgotten that (for reasons unknown) she gave me this diary when they were here in March. Was it to garner pity? A show of widowed solidarity? I don't know. What I do know is that the entries struck me as odd. In 98 entries, mostly focused on what she ate, who had called or written, who was tops on her list for doing so, what her most recent medical complaint was, she only mentioned my grandfather once. On her birthday. Not his. Amazing to me. Yes, we all grieve in different ways...but it was a window into who my grandmother is. To me, almost an unfinished painting. One who has yet to see outside of herself, and, at the age of 85, probably never will. It is funny that I found myself wanting to hit the comment button after every post. I wish that we could discuss these entries in some way. That I could ask her what she learned from the process (that she has since given up).

While I did find myself feeling sad (or pity at least) for her on some occasions, I found myself mostly disbelieving-for, on the day of her daughter's (my aunt) death she again asked the question, "Who will take care of me?" Heartbreaking in that you never really know much about a person until you really read their words I guess.

Better

2009-04-25T23:32:00.002-05:00

Thanks everyone. James is better. At least, the swelling on his arm is better. He's one of those kids who gets knocked down by antibiotics so he's been a bit sleepy and clammy, not to mention a teaspoon or two of cranky mixed in. We had a birthday party to go to (for my nephew) and he stuck by my side the whole night, which is decidedly not James. It was a pool party (swimming in April!) and he is usually a fish, but not tonight.

Things are...okay... I am finding myself wishing a lot lately. Wishing the house up in MI would sell (hey you know anyone who's looking...blah, blah, blah....). I thought we had a hook last week when someone asked for the seller's disclosure, but they offered on another. So I dropped it $10K. It is now ten thousand less than what we paid for it (ouch) 10 years (ouch) ago. But, to sell it would be excellent. I wish the pool that I'm buying was already done. Yes, I decided to put a pool in. Since this is where we will be for now until forever I decided to go for it. Prices are lower than what they were so now is a good time I guess.

Thanks again...

James

2009-04-23T22:20:00.001-05:00

Please keep my little guy in your thoughts. The thing that I had thought to be an allergic reaction to a bug bite-a bit of swelling on his arm-turned out to be a giant, baseball sized lump when he got out of school. I took him to the ER and he has cellulitis, believe to be from Licorice scratching him. After begging, they gave him a shot of penicillin and sent him home with me with antibiotics. If he is not running a temp tomorrow, and the doctor checks him out, he can stay at home with me. Otherwise he is in the hospital on IV antibiotics.

Why?

A Sometime Scary

2009-04-15T23:16:00.003-05:00

Sometimes, oftentimes really, it is very scary to be here-doing this. Not blogging. Definitely not blogging, because I haven't been doing enough of it for it to be the thing that hides inside the closet of my heart and head. It is scary to be doing "this". All of this. The moving, and selling of the old house (got *this close* to an offer, but no cigar), watching my son grow and, all the while, kind of being suspended in a way. A way in which I pretend that the days will just go on and on with James being 10. That there won't come a day in which he-rightfully- leaves the nest and I will be left with the empty spaces of a future that should have been two of us. What will I do? That is what scares me. In being honest with myself, and possibly incuring the wrath of the all knowing "Anonymous", I sometimes hope not to live so very long after my nest is empty. It is not grief I wish to deliver to my children, it is just the empty...the empty of not really wanting to contemplate things, or do things, venture out on things without the one who was supposed to be by my side.

Anway, these are the things that have kept me from blogging. These, and the infernal boxes that continue to scream out for unpacking or tossing or a mix of the two.

Back to "normal"

2009-03-31T22:13:00.002-05:00

A picture of us that was left in my mom's camera. Memorial Day 2006. These are the things that seem so gone... so lost.
Shopping with "the aunts" in Old Town Spring. To the left is Aunt Rosalie, Leonard's aunt, and behind me is Aunt Sharon, another of Leonard's aunts. It means the world to me that family ties remain tied.
Mr. Blue Crab. The day we don't bring a trap to the Gulf, there's an abundance of crabs.

My mom and grandma were down for 2 weeks after a 1 week visit up to Michigan for James' Spring Break. Spring Break comes so early down here. It was a disjointed 21 days and now I find I have to string myself back together again. It was a whirlwind of visiting up there, the rodeo down here, San Antonio and the Gulf Coast. Now...peace and quiet and trying to get my head back together.

Up Days, Down Days...and Birthdays...

2009-03-02T16:53:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was Nik's birthday. It felt--weird-- to not be there. Poppy stood in and took her to lunch. James and I will be there in a few short days to belatedly celebrate. James has bought her something that I'm dying to tell you about, but I don't know if she still knocks around in here so it'll keep.

The days are up. The days are down. It's your yo-yo Rach. I was hanging some paintings and, in the midst of excitement over an excellent purchase made, it all became almost worthless again. Why, do I do this? This moving on without him? the crazy part of my brain shouts. It is not as verbal these days as it once was, but the pain (short as it is) is numbing...crushing...

and then...

James has a friend over and things are a little up again. I look at the painting I got the great deal on and am happy. It's tuscan in its influence, carries the VERY LARGE dining room wall well and can be paired with sconces (thank you, new dear friend Sandy), or mirrors, or whatever else I get a very good deal on. The shop is a little one in Old Town Spring called, "Harper's Fabulous Finds" and the owner is a gracious, knowledgeable, wonderful woman...as is her nephew. It is very hard not to crush on him a little when you walk in the door.

So... We're going back up to Michigan for a week this Friday. I dread the cold, dread the guilt that will be placed around James' shoulders like a too snug sweater... but, there it is.

Hibiscuses???....or Hibisci????

2009-02-23T18:12:00.002-06:00

Whatever. I have two of them now. I actually bought them 3 weeks ago and finally got up off of duff to plant them. They look...well...they look tiny right now but hopefully they will grow (I don't grow things well) and not die and be big and bloomy and joyful joyness...soon.

Remember that flu I posted about? Well, it weren't the flu. (pesky freaking e again) James had strep. Really bad. I have to work on the fact that every illness that my children get isn't going to kill them. I am constantly talking about how insecure James is, when I am just as insecure at times. Times when my kids are sick. Or want to ride bikes. Or breathe even. Tough times.

But, he made it through, is slightly less worried about failing TAKS (dratted Texas testing system) and being kept in the 5th grade for the rest of his life... and he's playing first base again even though he thinks it's "too soon, Mom. I should be settled more..." Basically, I am pushing us along in this life that is now ours. I am finally back to worrying a little bit more about the mundane stuff. A little bit less about the fantastical kind of stuff.

We've been doing. And doing is good.

Flu and Fake Follicles

2009-02-03T22:53:00.002-06:00

I don't know why I keep misspelling flu as flue these days. Also, I misspelled misspelled for the 8,457th time in my life. Thank you spell check.

James has/had the flu. All was going fine this weekend and then, Monday morning..."Mom, I don't feel good." Rare is it that he "feels good" on a Monday so I was cynical. And yet, because I am a mush, I called him in. And he didn't move. All. Day. Long. So, the kid was sick. He remained sick until about halfway through today. Isn't it funny, with the flu, how one second they are as sick as can be in a "oh my...should I call the dr. now?...now?" kind of way and then the very next it's all "I'm hungry", "you haven't fed me anything", "let's play catch"? I would think it was, anyway, if it didn't create 3 extra loads of laundry. Sigh.

On to faking a non-gray head. Yes, I've tinted (that's the correct word ladies, tinted. Not dyed. You dye anegg, not your hair. Old beauty school habits die hard...don't get me started on plucking... ) and cut my own hair again. Nothing exciting. Nothing really to see. In fact, given that I don't much post any pictures here that are less than 10 years old of me, you wouldn't notice the difference. Unless your name is James.

Oh, I got my Texas license in the mail last week. The lady told me she would make sure it looked "Great, Sweet Sugar!" before she sent it along. She lied.

Taking (good) care...another confession

2009-01-25T19:56:00.003-06:00

It is kind of interesting, making everything just so in this (not so) little house of mine and James. It is funny how 2600-ish sq.ft (no basement though) of ranch can be made to feel cozy. I am buying a lot of warms...oranges, reds and greens, with some gold to accent my blah blah beige furniture choices. The bookcases that had belonged to Leonard's parents look absolutely stunning in the front hall and (believe it or not) have a very Spanish feel to them, due to the dark stain of the pine.

We are settling. Not without the bumps and slight bruising, but it's happening. On my terms. Finally.

Things such as my mother in law calling and saying,"Hi, this is Diane..." when I have always called her mom, bring a smile to my lips. It really just cannot matter anymore, can it?

And always Leonard. There in my mind. Still sometimes bringing me to tears at inopportune times. But not the heavy leaden Leonard that he was becoming in that little house. It still hurts, just not as an always kind of hurt. A little nick of hurt that sometimes becomes overwhelming there, in the bed we shared. Yes, isn't that something? Laura has returned to her bed. Different room, so I can pretend different bed.

And...

...taking better care. I share this with you now because I am acknowledging it here...to myself...for the first time. When I lost my love, I lost my desire to be really alive. One should think that one's children would be enough (especially when one's child is continuously worried about one's health) to keep one going. For me, it was not. Please don't harumph and garumph...for I have done that to myself enough. There was a time there...a year ago, where I may or may not have taken my heart meds, my blood pressure meds, all of those ridiculous meds--when or where I should have. There was a time my twisted, grieving mind thought that my children would understand death by heart failure. After all, how could it be helped? But, really, how could it be anything other than what my love, my life had done to them?

So it is with a willingness to stick this through that Laura tells you she has (faithfully) taken her medication on time each day, for the last...ohhh...4 to 5 months. And she will do nothing but. No matter how bad this living without him may seem, imagining the face of a little guy and his big sister who have seen and known far too much pain in their short lives, is more than enough to keep me filling that water glass.

...and!!!!

...I shave my legs again! Sorry for the TMI, boy bloggers!

Good night all.

Calm...really Calm.

2009-01-11T18:37:00.002-06:00

It never ceases to stun me, how my emotions can range from craziness (What have I done?!?) to absolute contentment (I made dinner and there is a fire in the fireplace) and all the little spots in between.

Tonight is calm. I am in the study, for that's the only place I can go online until I figure out linksys and it's little flashing light of pain when I try to hook up wireless. James is in the living room, playing Animal Crossing on Wii. Thank you Santa for the surprise of Wii. I am Wiilieved that James enjoys it. I am Wiidiculously bad at it. Okay, I'll stop now. The animals are all cozy and I am thinking that I really, really have done the right thing. It has just been tough in these days after family left and my little one and I are left on our own. I feel as if I just went off to college. With a really big dorm, of course, but the first time away from my nuclear family all the same.

My cousins have been wonderful. We went to see Twilight last night (4th time for me and yes I have a problem) and went to a crawfish boil. Yummy...really yummy in my tummy. I finally have the plate on the front of my car-oh how it hurt to see drill holes made into a nice smooth bumper.

Things that are still a little a bit sad: I miss my daughter, father and best friend. I would like to see James getting fresh air and playing with friends (he has made some at school so it's a kind of good thing).

Things that are awesomely good: The weather has been craptastic up in Michigan this winter, and I haven't had to deal with it.

Sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do...

2009-01-08T21:47:00.003-06:00

...and eat ice cream. Even though her tummy hates it. We have had two good days since that last, horrible night. James has come straight home and we've done his math homework (Oh how I hate new terms like input and output and realizing how very little I know about algebra.). He has a couple of (sounds like they will be) good friends and hasn't really complained. When I tell him his friend John is in school a full hour ahead of him (due to the time change) it makes him happy. He hasn't yet realized that John is also out of school a full hour ahead of him but that's okay, for now.

Tonight it was a trip to the ice cream parlour and a visit to Blockbuster Video. James has been dying to see Hancock.

How come none of you Texans told me how troublesome it is to get plates down here and a driver's license? Good golly lolly... But, we officially have Texas plates on the car and I will go back (it pays to read the front of the phone book before you waste your time) tomorrow and get my license. I am hoping to get the Michigan house on the market here in the next week or so. I will be grateful if I can sell it.

Off to tuckle (we've always called it that) James in.

Good night!

Getting rid of guilt

2009-01-06T23:15:00.002-06:00

And so it goes. There are wonderfully good days, where James and I play "SingStar" or Wii and laugh and laugh... and then there are days like today. His first day of school went well. I had emailed his teacher with our situation and also asked for her opinion on his day. I got a great response and laudatory comments on how respectful, sweet and well behaved James is. (hugh sigh of relief). When I picked James up, he seconded the great day comments.

We shopped for new gym shoes (Oh my gosh, how I love Academy) and went out to dinner with family. James also (***finally***) got to see the inside of a truck cab because Suzanne's brother is a truck driver.

and...

then...

We came home. As he was readying for bed (too late for my taste) he "realized" he still had homework. How does one "realize" they still have homework after answering their mother to the negative all afternoon?? Then came the meltdown, while I was trying to help him. Everything from the day was horrible, he hates the school, he misses everyone one, no he hates it up in Michigan too and doesn't want to "break any more hearts", and on and on. Sobbing little mess of a boy, scooped up in Mama's arms. I hushed away as much of the hurt as I could. I realize, on the sane side, that this is the result of being up too late last night, missing his daddy, and not understanding homework in a brand new school. The paranoid, "looking for signs" side of me worries that he is ruled by guilt (like his daddy) and that there is nothing I can do to change/stop/alter that. I have talked with family up in Michigan and family down here about not saying even the most innocuous little thing that might make him feel guilty. Tonight, even, he apologized and apologized and on and on...until I hushed him to sleep with assurances that it was I who took care of him and not the opposite. My broken little boy is now asleep.

This too, shall pass... I only hope it soon becomes less and less and that this was the right thing to do. I have missed you, my little voices of reason and assurance.

The New Normal

2009-01-05T10:04:00.003-06:00

A picture of New Year's hilarity with the children.
James with his best friend, John, and his cousin Maddie (at back right) with her friend.

Here we are. The first day here in Texas, with just James and I. Nicole took off yesterday after spending 1 more day than they had planned. It is very hard to see your (gosh, she was just a newborn yesterday) daughter go 1400 miles away. She will be okay though.

James was lucky in that his best friend also made it down for the trip, along with Nicole's boyfriend. John is just this adorable little boy who has been dealt a rough hand in life and yet manages to be sweet. I think it helped James with the transisition to have a friend down. Today he registers for a school start tomorrow. He's scared, but I have my fingers crossed that he'll be okay.

There are still so many things to do and not so very much time to do them in. I just want to be "settled". But we all know that that can take years.

Happy Holidays

2008-12-26T07:26:00.003-06:00

We made it! And Texas was c-c-c-cold...but it has warmed up. With the exception of the mover being a little slow (mentally), the new oven having bad wiring, and James's bed being without the bolts, all went smoothly. Except...

Merlin has flown the coop. My old gentleman cat has been gone for over a week and I am losing hope that I will ever see him again. Please keep him in your thoughts.

A Happiest of Holidays to you all.

Amazing

2008-12-10T22:04:00.003-06:00

It really is, when I think of it. No, I'm not saying it's amazing that I'm actually here posting this evening. It's been such a whirlwind of trying to get things done, and procrastinating and last minute doctors/dentists/car appointments that I rarely have time to share anything. And I am sorry. For those of you on Facebook, oh I'm having fun playing there with you. But, I'm winding down another road when I mean to speak of other things.

It is amazing. Amazing how much can change in 1 year and (almost) 4 months. I would never have dreamt that this would be me---what I was doing---here, with these boxes and stuff. How amazing...the support I have received from friends and some family. And the support far outweighs the naysayers. Really there are only 3 and a half (I'll explain the half later) naysayers. The two being my mom and my brother.

As I've mentioned, my mother cannot compute this. Nor does she want to. For reference, I don't and never have expected her to or wanted much from her. It's the way we are. Before I could "play along" with the mind game of the day. I had Leonard to dump it on. Leonard to make it okay. Leonard to come home to. I don't have that anymore. She thinks I'm stupid, she thinks I'm not there for her in her hour of need, she says I am "taking her last grandchild" (Nicole is apparently sliced bread) from her... She held open the door and told me to leave. So I did. Funny...I don't feel that awfully bad about it. I can't. It's not in me anymore. I tried my best as a child, young, and then married, woman. As a widow, I suck at comradeship with her. I care to much about my lost husband. Along side her, goes my grandma. Too twisted up in herself (as the elderly often do) to see that I have been there for her, that phones can be picked up on her end. Nutshell=lack of empathy. Again...okay. I don't need it. So many have gone out of their way in their support of me.

Moving...on...

The half=a mother in law who has a tongue that is split neater than Lincoln's rails. She supports me and yet doesn't when talking to others. A second phone call (remember that ill fated call to my father last year) to my father attempting to play the victim who never gets to see the grandson I have given her open access to. I do think she truly wants to support us, but that old competitions die hard for her. I just want my son to be happy. I don't want him to be burdened by the family guilt that so plagued his father. She knows (and I hope she admits to herself) that she has an open invitation to our new home.

So...we're ready. T-minus 4 days...

Closing Day

2008-11-25T07:45:00.005-06:00

But, not without its headaches, which I won't bore you with. I never thought this day would get here, given the troubles with trying to set up a home purchase from out of state.

In answer to a couple of comments, I haven't yet sold my house. I just made the decision to move now and attempt to sell the house here empty. I am lucky in that I can manage that because I qc'd the house to my husband and also because he is the smartest, most prepared man that has ever graced this earth.

Even as I contemplate this step today, I stood at the gate this morning with the chewed up garbage bags (thanks to Jessie the Wonder Sheltie) and thought back a couple of years-to dreams that used to be mine, held with him. If my life had gone right, we'd be together on our own 10 acres right here. Well, a little north of here. It still hurts to realize that we will never get to do that.

I have made the decision to have the movers do their thing, meaning pack me up. I tried, really I did, but I cannot dismantle our life together all by myself. It will be better to sift through it in a place he never was-- no expectation of him walking through the door, not having to glance up at his ashes now and again and feel my heart breaking all over again. and again.

The closing is today at 1PM. Because of a foul up at the title company, I did not transfer funds over to my account and they have yet to post. What does this mean? Another hurdle to jump. Either a signoff on $4,000 that won't post to the bigger amount until tomorrow, or a cash advance. Sigh.

My new life officially starts at 1PM. I hope I am doing the right thing. I think I am doing the right thing, and yet-all the while- it hurts to leave him, us, behind.

"Your Wildest Dreams"

Once upon a time
Once when you were mine
I remember skies
Reflected in your eyes
I wonder where you are
I wonder if you
Think about me
Once upon a time
In your wildest dreams

Once the world was new
Our bodies felt the morning dew
That greets the brand new day
We couldn't tear ourselves away
I wonder if you care
I wonder if you still remember
Once upon a time
In your wildest dreams

And when the music plays
And when the words are
Touched with sorrow
When the music plays
I hear the sound
I had to follow
Once upon a time
Once beneath the stars
The universe was ours
Love was all we knew
And all I knew was you
I wonder if you know
I wonder if you think about it
Once upon a time
In your wildest dreams

And when the music plays
And when the words are
Touched with sorrow
When the music plays
And when the music plays
I hear the sound
I had to follow
Once upon a time

Once upon a time
Once when you were mine
I remember skies
Mirrored in your eyes
I wonder where you are
I wonder if you
Think about me
Once upon a time
In your wildest dreams

Hoping

2008-11-14T20:47:00.002-06:00

I was hoping to be moved by now, but here I am...still. The deal is done and I am just waiting on a closing date. It is so very hard to be 1400 miles away from it all and I am a bit impatient. Especially as the days grow darker (and colder) here.

I was also hoping to write more often but that isn't working out so well. Here is where I would say because "OMG! I've been so busy!" In reality, I am lacking the drive. Just hanging out. Waiting for a day that seems like it is unreachable.

The Pet Shop Boys? Like them? I love them. In fact it's why I'm listening to "It's a Sin" over and over again tonight. Welcome to my odd little life these days.

I'm back.

2008-11-04T12:58:00.003-06:00

Thanks you Chloe, for the kick in the pants I needed to get going here again. It is so hard, in these crazy days of closing dates, inspections, home improvements and what not to keep my thoughts together.

I am, for the most part, in a better place for now. I look forward to leaving these haunting memories behind, and yet I will miss Nik in our twisted little "I love you-I hate you-come here-go away" relationship. She doesn't want to talk about me moving even as it looms in the very near tomorrow. She has a choice to come with and has opted not to. I do think it will be good for her to be on her own.

James has made a very good friend just recently and that will make it a bit harder for him to leave... but he wants to. Plus, they have email and trips up here or down there.

I have made the decision to have the movers just pack up everything because it broke me down for a good week when I started to pack things. So, for now, I'll just leave it.

Over it...

2008-10-09T06:32:00.003-05:00

For now, at least. Monday was just a horrible, no good, very rotten kind of day. Those happen. Not as frequently, for I have gotten really good at pretending to be someone else. Most days I function and nobody would really know that anything is different. Which is how I want it...need for it to be, at least in my real world. Does that make any sense at all? I didn't think so.

I have told most of my family (save my mom,"Why are you going to go and do something stupid like that?") that I am considering (hahaha-who am I kidding-the Purchase agreement is signed and ready to go) a move out of state. Many have asked me why, and most have agreed with me on my reasoning. Because I am so sporadic in posting of late I am going to go ahead and list the reasons here...

Michigan is so very very much Leonard's place. I hated Michigan when I first moved here in 7th grade. Leonard was the one who took me "Up North", took me on thousands of drives, went to the cider mills...all of those things I can no longer do without breaking down. Some can do these things and sift through treasured memories. For me, it is still unending pain and need and want.
When I am in places that we have not been together, the pain is still there but there are no memories to prod it along until it becomes full fledged and day ending for me. In this way, it is about survival.

My son has asked to move. It has not been the healthiest for him to remain here due to his own memories. He is a boy who very much needed his daddy. Without him, and yet with all of his (James) memories, it is unbearable, too, for him at times. He has told me he feels happier.

Another reason (gosh, I feel like I am writing a 5th grade essay for History class here) is that I do believe it will be good for Nik. She would finish out college here and perhaps join us there. This might cause some to go "What???" and my heart breaks at the thought of being away from her but I feel, at times, that I am not the best thing in her life right now.

Lastly, and I do believe I have written this here before, everyone is waiting for "Laura" to come back. The Laura they knew. The Laura who was in control and cleaning and cooking and ready to get together... That Laura is gone, without Leonard. She isn't coming back. In moving to a new place, that pressure that friends, family and neighbors place on me would gone. I yearn for that.

Perhaps I am wrong... but something-anything-needs to happen.

On to brighter things. I ordered my countertops on Tuesday. Sadly, I cannot go with the rolled edge because it would create a huge, possibly unsightly seam along the breakfast bar. So I went with Wilsonart HD "Night Passage" with a standard edge. I like the Wilsonart because it has a matte/gloss look and is a bit different. It goes well with the new paint job. Why yes, thank you for asking, I did finally get all of that wall paper down and the new paint up.

This is the countertop

http://samples.wilsonart.com/images/PRODUCT/icon/467.jpg

The paint is on this page. The one named "Family Tree", which I rather liked
http://dutchboy.com/colors/families/neutrals/versatile/index.jsp

The only thing I haven't done is figure out how to preserve the measuring wall. It is the door frame where my husband measured James from the time he was a year old. About a year and a half ago, my husband measured himself, Nik and me. During those horrible days, the people who came over measured themselves. So there are many Sharpie marks, dates and names on that frame. I was going to find a way to saw it off and put up a new piece of wood. Instead, I may take a photo and then go to Kinkos to blow it up to actual size. We'll see.

Emails...and school memories...

2008-10-07T08:15:00.003-05:00

My 20th reunion is coming up this weekend, I guess. I am not going. Not only because of my life these days but also because Leonard and I never went to those things. We kept in touch with those we wanted to from high school and moved on.

Today, logging into my computer, I found condolence notes from high school classmates. As you guess, I was instantly transported back to those breaking days of August '07. So I did what any stupid fool would do. I tried to find the source of the information. As I've said before (and which I am sure many of you find doubtful), Leonard and I were private people and I don't want my private pain (albeit very public here, but this blog isn't very traceable) blasted before a school that was made up of navel gazers and mutual admirers. I found it, finally, on an alumni archive page...and there's not really much I can do about it. It just angers me because we graduated the same year, he is my husband and all that blah, blah... Let it go Laura.

While looking at that page (and averting my eyes from his name) I also found a couple of classmates that I hadn't known had died. We are not being well and long lived here...this class of '88, at least in my high school. That made me melancholy this morning...when I should be doing stuff around the house.

The Heat is On

2008-10-03T08:31:00.002-05:00

And I don't just mean the furnace. Although, that had to be turned on yesterday. It has been so rainy here that this day of sunny weather is a bandaid for me.

It looks as if the builder in TX will take a contingent offer. Now, I have to list (and sell) my house as quickly as possible. It is very hard for me (an optimist turned pessimist over this last year) to think that this will actually happen but that is what I am doing. I am hoping that all will actually work out for this family this year.

Last night at Sandcastles (a family grief support group), James and I made a garden stone. I had been given two garden stones but it was nice to work on something with James... I think it turned out very nice (James planned it and I mixed the cement). James liked it so much that he wants to make a stone for each of us. As I thought about it, I think this is a very good idea... Instead of stones that focus on the loss, stones that focus on our family. That is what I have been trying to stress to the children. It is not our family that we have lost. Although, on my very bad days I have trouble believing that myself.

I am off to call my aunt/agent and hope that I can get this rolling. When I am finally motivated, I will post a picture of that stone.

Peeling back scabs

2008-10-01T16:01:00.002-05:00

This is difficult, this packing up of our house. I gave many of his clothes to his brother. That hurt. What to keep, what to box up...all of it to cry over. And then I found a composition notebook ( I do a lot of my writing longhand) that was used in the week following that day... Notes about the pastor, the service, people's impressions of my dearest one. And a letter I wrote to him a week afterward.

Leonard,

Today I went to bed at 4:30, instead of waking you up. There are no arms around me, no whispered,"I love you" and "midnight goose"... This morning there wasn't any coffee to pour, or lunches to make. No waiting for you to say "books, keys, lunch money" so I knew it was time to kiss you before you left.
Leonard you are/were my life...and if it weren't for our children, I would gladly lay down beside you. I cannot bear the thought of the years stretching out without you and our much talked about plans. I told you last Saturday that we would have to die on the same day because I could not imagine me---without you. Sunday, my worst nightmare came true. And I was right.

I look back at that writing (and cry with the fresh pain of it all relived) and realize it is still true. I'm not me anymore. I am not screaming and shouting and thinking deathly thoughts anymore. But I am not the girl he loved anymore. I had to reinvent myself in order to breathe again. Because I was right. That me would have died right there.

Gosh... this is a hard, hard job. I wish I had a team of 100 instead of just 1. I wish I was Jeannie and could just make it so in one second flat.

How did it get this cold?

2008-10-01T13:05:00.002-05:00

On the monorail to Epcot. More about that experience later...
Vikings have landed...and they don't like flash photography...
A really great shot (from the Fort Wilderness boat) of the Contemporary Resort at sunset...
How happy can one Grandma be? Yes, she was at the "Happiest Place on Earth"!!!
A truly happy boy at Downtown Disney. A 32 oz. slushy will do that to a kid.

I will write more about our adventures later, I'm just trying to nail down that house...and get this one on the market. Hard to do, when it's me, myself and I... with absolutely no help. Yes, I'm openly complaining about my slothful children.

On a ----loooonnnggggg--- vacation

2008-09-24T11:28:00.002-05:00

Hey! I'm still here, but we're visiting the Mouse (aka Disneyworld) and he keeps a girl busy. Tomorrow we're heading back home and I'll be back up and blogging by Monday. I hope everyone is well. From the looks of it, I've bought you all souvenirs. :)

Renovations and Restorations

2008-09-07T14:56:00.002-05:00

The wallpaper is practically all off and would be completely off if my computer wasn't sitting on the breakfast bar and slingo and other things weren't so addicting.

I've got a few small bits to take off and then the serious sanding begins. I have decided (yes I know I haven't done the very best of jobs at keeping you all up to date) to renovate "parts" of the kitchen. i.e. getting rid of that crappy "welcome to the pink fantasies of the previous owner" wallpaper, replacing the (you got it) pink faux granite countertops, and (maybe) putting on new cupboard handles. Also, that ugly, industrial style, white-did I mention huge?- vanity in the bathroom will also go. I am going to get something smaller and quainter. Did I mention how quaint (i.e. small) my house is? I'm sure I have.

I just want it all done yesterday. I want to be moved, and the monster pain of selling a house in a buyer's market is scaring the heck out of me. I'm an appraiser so I'm pretty familiar (and even willing to tell you if you're looking to sell) with what one should to to showcase one's house. Yes, all my majors (roof, windows, floors, furnace, C/A,) are done. The only other 2 majors are these two: bath and kitchen. But one does not want one's home to become super adequate. Trying to explain to James that we don't need to drywall the basement is a tough one. He grows more like his daddy each day. Sigh... Anyone looking to live in a 50's plat neighborhood in a 1200-ish sq.ft. brick ranch within walking distance to a lake side park? Anyone? Anyone?

No idea where I am in Tenessee really...

2008-08-31T00:53:00.004-05:00

Master Bath
Front bedroom
Great Room... HUGE...
Kitchen---with a ton of cookie/dumpling rolling out space for me and James
View from the living room into the formal dining room...god, I would love for this to work out. We fit here...

I do know that I am just outside of Graceland because I mean to take Mr. James there tomorrow. We just couldn't find a hotel, so had to get onto the freeway (i-240...i think?) and go a bit. Everything was full so we are now in a suite. Don't get all excited for me because James isn't really happy because it's not up to his "standards". It is a bit rough around the edges but not a slum.

The new car has been running really well. We did quite a bit of running around in it in Houston (Klein/Spring) to be exact. I think I have found the house I want. A close out new construction, 2500 s.f., granite counters 3,2.5, 3 car garage, with a study and a gameroom. I became friends with the saleswoman because she fell in love with James off the bat and brought her girls out to a showing to meet him. I am just hoping to get a good cash deal and a quick sale of my house and then maybe... well, we'll see.

While there, we went to Old Town Spring. I just love that area. You can really picture how it must have looked when it was a horse and buggy place. Most of the buildings are original and there are just a ton of shops and a few cute little eateries. I bought S, my cousin/friend/beloved person who puts up with me - a knockoff Coach. I bought one for myself as well and, as I type this, it is already falling apart. I still like it though. It's the patchwork one with the belt. The belt loops are falling off willy nilly... nothing a little super glue can't fix...ahem... so... if you see me walking around with it, yes, it's totally, completely and possibly noticeable fake. ;) But it's pretty.

We'll see if we make it home tomorrow night or not. If not do-able I'm pulling in a heck of a lot earlier than I did tonight/this morning.

Good night Elizabeth...

Someone Else just for today

2008-08-26T11:09:00.003-05:00

James says hi...
An incredible sunset.

I can pretend I am someone else, just for today. In fact, I will pretend I am someone else...just for today. I can do that here in Texas. James is having a decent time. We looked at model homes yesterday and he found one that he likes. All he requires is a "Lego room". A lego room is what most people would call a study and/or 4th bedroom option/game room option. I have gotten much good advice from many people and am still going to go with new construction. I am, after all, an appraiser and I know what it is I am looking at in terms of quality. Today I am in free falling, *this is how it must feel to be on LSD* mode. I can't help it. But I will go through the day. A special shout out here to Ronni... you have been on my mind all week and I hope you are making it too.

Today, I am not me.

Somewhere in Texas

2008-08-23T23:09:00.002-05:00

A woman and her son finally pulled off the highway-realizing that they weren't going to make it to Houston that night. Well, technically, they could have but that wouldn't be very nice to her hosts. They would have shown up at the door after midnight, not bearing gifts and that's just not thoughtful...no matter how much her hosts doth protest.

So here we are...in Corsicana, TX. We'll finish the last tiniest leg tomorrow. I'm pissed at myself for not keeping on schedule, and thus having it cost me.

G'night all...

A Misguided Meme

2008-08-21T08:40:00.002-05:00

Shannon, over at Tales of a Misguided Mommy, has tagged me for a meme. Seeing as I have nothing to say for myself these days...thanks Shannon! I think I will take you up on that. Here goes:

The rules:

1. Link the person who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules on your blog.
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks you possess.
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

Here's the quirks:

1. I cut my own hair
2. That's not to say I do that spectacular of a job of it. I do have a license which allows me to be this stupid.
3. I can spend an entire day doing nothing but playing time management games. Kind of an oxymoron there...
4. I am a master of the 10 minute meal.
5. I usually read a book in 2 days max.
6. I do better on 4 hours of sleep than I do on 8.

I can't think of anyone to tag so, if you want, have at it. Thanks Shannon! :)

Here's something exciting in Laura land, I have bought a new car. I finally traded the Yukon in and got a Saturn Outlook. So far, so good. I did not realize how hard it would be to drive away from the Yukon. Leonard loved that truck. The new car is Black Cherry. Almost black, but a little bit of red mixed in when the sun is shining. I bought a few of the "bells" (heated leather seats) and a couple of "whistles" (2nd row sliding seats, fancy rims) and was off. I was going to get the Vue but the Outlook called to me from the next spot over.

Tomorrow I run away, yet again, to Texas. I need to. No, scratch that, I have to.

Plans

2008-08-12T10:08:00.003-05:00

I've made some decisions since we've last talked. One, I realized I cannot be here in this house for that week, so I am going to Texas on the 22nd. We will stay there for the week and then return home. Because Leonard made me promise that we (I thought, at the time, it would be all of us) would go to DisneyWorld, we are going in September. Classes be damned I guess. I will just grab James' schoolwork and help him with it.

Why do I feel like I am sitting here typing an itinerary? I guess because it's a "going through the motions", waiting for the next knot to save me, week.

I am also going to sell this house and most likely move to Texas, where there are no memories, I have a few friends, and can start something new. While I don't want to I don't really have a choice. And, on the plus side, maybe one more of us will turn Texas blue. Now I feel as if I've reached the blabbling, not making much sense part of this post.

James had a nice birthday. The bike I bought him was too big and I have to return it. We went to Hu Hot for dinner and I slammed my finger in the car door but all is well. No breaks...just a big purple mess for a few days.

Nik has orientation for Wayne in a few days. She wasn't looking forward to it until she went for her math placement exam and got a taste of walking around campus. There is a still a part of me that wishes she had gone for dorm life because I think it would be good for her. Trying to jump start someone who doesn't want to be is exhausting.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Baby James

2008-08-06T09:22:00.003-05:00

How could 10 years have gone by so fast? It was only yesterday, after all, that I was willing you to hang tight. Really, only yesterday. It was then that I was so stunned that I couldn't hear you crying (such a low little voice) and Daddy had to assure me that you were fine. It was then that he combed your little bit of hair and lulled you to quiet. How can that be?

You are such a fine boy. Sometimes given to fits of temper; but ,more often than not, you are quickly sorry. You are handsome and look just like Daddy did when we were your age. You are caring and so much fun for Mama. And you always try your hardest. Always.

But...

Don't try too hard. Don't take the weight of the world on your shoulders...don't feel responsible for everyone. Just be a boy, like you are. Just a boy.

And you're still my baby, especially when you're sleeping.

Sweet Baby James
James Taylor

There is a young cowboy he lives on the range
His horse and his cattle are his only companions
He works in the saddle and he sleeps in the canyons
Waiting for summer, his pastures to change
And as the moon rises he sits by his fire
Thinking about women and glasses of beer
And closing his eyes as the doggies retire
He sings out a song which is soft but its clear
As if maybe someone could hear
Goodnight you moonlight ladies
Rockabye sweet baby james
Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose
Wont you let me go down in my dreams
And rockabye sweet baby james
Now the first of december was covered with snow
And so was the turnpike from stockbridge to boston
Lord, the berkshires seemed dream-like on account of that frosting
With ten miles behind me and ten thousand more to goT
heres a song that they sing when they take to the highway
A song that they sing when they take to the sea
A song that they sing of their home in the sky
Maybe you can believe it if it helps you to sleep
But singing works just fine for me

About that party...

2008-07-30T14:15:00.002-05:00

About time, eh. It was a day that will live in infamy...almost.

Because I am like this, I put housecleaning, shopping, cake ordering off until it could be put off no longer. Heck, I did order the tables and chairs and tents so at least there was that. Also, the food. The tons and tons of (hey, what are you doing for dinner tonight?) food. Luckily, I had a friend to help and we banged out most of the shopping in one night. Double luckily, I knew I was going to be a procrastinating loser about it so I had it catered. All we had to do (All...*giggle*) was set up the tables. Nik wanted orange and blue (wonder why...go Maggli-ooo). The tablecloths were orange. When I ordered her cake I put Orange and White down as her school colors. I am sure they were wondering what--? with that.

The day dawned bright and sunny, only it didn't. It dawned hot and windy and rain cloud threateny, which made me glad we had the tent which was tied to the corner of every house in a 5 block radius because our yard is small like that. I looked around saying to myself,"120 people..." Oy. But... we had stuff to do. We put the tablecloths on the tables, taped down the pics of Nik through the years and swiftly covered the tables with clear plastic. Only it didn't work out that way. We yelled and shook our fist at the wind that blew every freaking picture of every table just as we got the last one down. Finally... they were on. But we were getting close to people time. I quickly filled m&m bowls (it is so cool how, for "only" $5 you can buy a tiny bag of blue and/or orange m and m's...but it was Nik's party so...) and put them on the tables. Salt and peppers, votive candles, then I turned and told Nik there would be no wedding reception (I kid...). I walked in the house to finish putting together some salads, feeling quite pleased that we were as "on schedule" as we get at this house...and then a gust of wind blew up...and "crash, shatter...sh&t!..." came from the backyard. Every M and M bowl (about $50 worth of candy...) shattered, pictures whirling, broken candle holders. Little guy storming in the house with an "I am so done." I looked out the front window and yay, the first guests. I mean, I know I said 3PM but I didn't really think they would show up then...but everyone did, just about, and it wasn't a round robin with some going and some coming. It was everyone coming, and staying (I knew I should have bought the Summer Shandy and Mojitos). It started horribly but the day was really nice. I wanted his family, especially, to see that the children were doing okay, that I was standing and getting dressed and capable, still, of throwing parties. I wanted people to come to a house where, the last time there, pain was palpable and replace (at least a bit of it) with happiness. And that is what happened. And all of Leonard's aunts got into a water fight (childhood resentments anyone?) and the kids bounced on the trampoline and ran like kids are supposed to, and everyone raved about the food, and nobody cried. Okay, I did, but only in the bathroom...for what should have been. Nightime came and a bonfire was lit and the twinkle lights turned on.

Of course there are many side stories, including the one where my mother trash talked my father to everyone within earshot, that would make you giggle. Maybe I'll tell them on an "I don't know what to write today" day, but I just wanted to get this out there. That yes, Laura managed to have a party. She also realized that this house is not hers anymore...and the kids are okay with selling it.

And, for those of you who worry, another heartbreak and yet also triumph-I gave my dad Leonard's cellphone number today. His (my dad's) contract is up, and he was able to transfer his number to Leonard's SIM... it may sound silly and small, but it was big for me, who wants to change nothing. Leonard's number is gone, his contacts are gone, his phone...gone. Of course, his number is still where it will always be in my cellphone: AAALeonardICE. That is something I will never change, no matter how crazy some think I am.

As for the rest of it, what happened in the back yard, stays in the back yard, people.

Something Plagues me...

2008-07-30T00:19:00.003-05:00

I still mean to fill you in on the party, but you (well most of you) know me by now and how I am still meaning to finish my wedding story, our honeymoon story and a million other things so bear with me here.

Tonight, make that this morning, I am thinking again about internet connections. Not the wires, but the humanity behind them. I bring this up because of an interesting situation on another site today. As a mom, and a human, I was sickened to read of the baby killed by the puppy in OK. I am horrified that this happened and also so very sad for this family.

http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/strange/news-article.aspx?storyid=114988&catid=82

Apparently the 17 year old mother has been hospitalized. As would I be. I cannot imagine the pain. Especially when one realizes this could have easily been prevented in so many ways. But it's too late. One can only hurt or (as I learned today) hate this family. Why is it we can sit behind a computer and spout off things such as,"Probably high on meth." ? It appears the mother and grandmother were sleeping while the father and grandfather had left the house. Massive miscommunication there. But, I really don't think it was willfull negligience. Immense stupidity, of the kind I was guilty of as a 19 year old, ending in a tragedy that will never be forgotten. Punishment enough, again, in my opinion. Why is it, when one expresses sympathy and asks others their intent they are accused of "taking something too personally"? When did we get to decide how we think others should think? Or did we? Is it just easy because we aren't sitting across the table from each other? Sometimes I think, at least I hope, it is. It also illustrates why it is so easy for anonymous commenters here on my blog, and on the blogs of others, to freely offer hurtful help. It opens my eyes. In ways, it makes certain things that are said easier to handle. I don't know this young couple, nor does anonymous know me. Usernames on message boards don't know whether a grandma in the background smoking a cigarette is responding properly or not. They don't know her. They only think they do. Or think they know the proper way to behave in that situation. Odd thoughts come to one in traumatic situations sometimes. I remember lying there, at the police station, wondering if I had turned the coffee pot off. In hindsight, in my opinion, it was my mind protecting itself from going insane...by using the truly mundane. I talked about this with my brother in law (my husband's brother) and he confessed to the very same thing. Again, a a mental buffer against a tremendous blow.

So, in short, I guess this is me taking my blog back from the hands of those "who know better than me". And in the words of a woman from my Sandcastles group,"Don't 'should' on me..." I know it may not make sense to you, but it makes mountains of sense to me. If anonymous, and/or username on a message board, feels free to tell me how to react, how badly I am doing, what my problem is, well then I guess I can feel free to not listen. Or, on those truly filter free days, defend myself. My choice, my life.

I'll see you in the morning..er...this afternoon, to tell you about that party. People tell me it was fun, and nice even.

What I meant to do

2008-07-28T02:30:00.002-05:00

I meant to put a great header up there and tell you all about Nik's graduation party. What I did instead was go back through time and read all my entries here. Right now, my being went back there too. And I am wrong and it was wrong and I am just missing him and feeling horrible for doing that tonight (or is it this morning already), and I hate crying like this and feeling so worthless and lonely, so I'll come back later.

Posting on the Fly...Again!

2008-07-25T08:46:00.003-05:00

I wanted to post so much more last night, but James really needed tending. And here it is morning and I have to be at the dentist in 45 minutes, yet I need to calm myself down and think for a moment, or 7.

The kids and I watched "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" last night. I love, love, LOVE that movie. One, because, well, Johnny Depp. Two, because his character is so very much like the Leonard I knew when we were younger. Three, Ummm, yes, Johnny Depp. Also, for an amateur, Darlene Cates did an amazing job as the mom. I also loved the book, which is a bit more "fantastical" but still wonderful.

The tables come today, Nik picked out the pictures and her best friend came over yesterday with some of the pictures she has of the two of them. I am so grateful. They were laughing at just how many pictures we have of Nik and I had to remind them that Nik was The Only for 5 years before her cousin's arrival...so she was the subject of every photo, just about every day. I got all the shopping done and was teasing Nik that I was going to put the exact total of it all on her cake. But that would be mean, wouldn't it?

Getting Ready...

2008-07-24T23:50:00.002-05:00

Spending money, cleaning like a mad woman so all those people don't think to themselves,"Boy she really HAS gone round the bend... My Gosh, the dust elephants that were hanging around.

Krandall (the chair for those of you who haven't been playing along) went today. My mom came with the guy who took the truck to get it. He wanted it as well, and I needed to get rid of it. They came over while we were at Sandcastles so I wouldn't have to see the truck.

Ya know, James is freaking on me right now, so I'll have to get back to this later. He's been rough ---really rough, of the staying up until 4AM with mom kind- lately.

Well, that's over...

2008-07-21T14:53:00.002-05:00

And I am glad. I tried not to think about it being "that" day on Saturday and was fairly successful. Although I spent the whole day in my pajamas-telling myself it was because my tooth (or lack of) hurt and not because of anything else. James and I spent some time crying and then drifted into Sunday morning.

No, the house has far, far to go before I allow anyone in on Saturday. Yes, I have a tent and tables and chairs. Even food is coming. So a party is looking like it will happen with or without me. It has been a struggle to plan while having such a rough time. I can't believe I've got 1 day to get the trash out of the house (garbage pickup is tomorrow) and 5 days to make the house look like it is capable of having people live in it. Wish me luck.

And...just for Tessie... The cutest of kids always mess up great photo opportunities, as witnessed in the picture of my nephew here.

My sweet daughter

2008-07-19T00:35:00.002-05:00

Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere, i've looked at cloud that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things i would have done but clouds got in my way.
I've looked at clouds from both sides now,From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions i recall.I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and junes and ferris wheels,
the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real;
i've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show.
you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know,
don't give yourself away.
I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions i recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud
to say "i love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds,
i've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads,
they sayI've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained
in living every day.
I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions i recall.
I really don't know life at all.

Nik made a CD of songs to cheer me up this week. It has been hard with it being a week bracketed by his birthday and our anniversary. A week that I confess I'm not really "here" for. I am lost in thoughts and what if's-and then she gave me a CD she had burned. It has ColdPlay and the Macarena, Henry the Eighth (god what an ear worm) and a whole bunch of songs... and then I came on this, which has been one of my favorites ever since I first heard Roger Whitaker's version when I was a small child on a Sunday "clean the house" afternoon. I look at the words and realize how very appropriate they are and I wonder if Fate somehow gave me this song right now.

It's Okay. Really it is... (for me at least)

2008-07-17T14:49:00.002-05:00

I apologize. I apologize that so many of you were unfairly characterized by a commenter on that last entry. It's not fair. And I hesitate to do anything about it. I know I have said here before that I look at the blog part as mine and the comments part as yours...but that was uncalled for. It was uncalled for for you to be spoken about in such a manner. So I am going to address that which I, at first, thought I would ignore.

Yes, I am throwing myself a massive, and at times extremely self indulgent, pity party here. Because all that was right with my life is far less than that now. Annonymous (and I really wish you would have written your name because we could have talked about it. People have come forward before), what is written here is just the head of (for lack of a better comparison) a rather horrible chapter in life. It is (and you will have to trust me) a brushing over of events that are better suited for an afternoon soap opera than real life. And those events concern our children. And when my children cry (as one of them has been doing all week), I cry. He was my whole life. No, I cannot say there was a "life" for me before him. He has/had been a daily fixture in my life from January of my 12th year on earth to last August 26th. It is what is is...for me. And I don't need you to agree with that, just understand it. I have taken a rather cynical view on love and marriage to veer off for a second. Why wrap oneself so completely around another when this is what happens in the end? Why get married, only to have to say goodbye to that person at some point in time? Why? Stupid thoughts, yes. But I let myself indulge.

Secondly, a point was made as to his choice to do this to us. No, sadly my friend I cannot and will not see it that way. We had a saying that I knew him better than he knew himself and he knew me better than I knew myself. It is said that a suicide dies only once and those who love them die a thousand deaths pondering it. There is knowledge for me of why this happened. I would share that but it affects others that I care about immensely and it is not my story to tell. His actions were to protect. His actions were to care for his family...not realizing that we needed him more here than gone. That an event that seemed so huge and overwhelming was already taken care of...over. It was, my friend, an accident. A snap decision that, as I tell his son, if he could he would do over.

As to comments made about those who come here to gawk at a train wreck. Yes, this blog has become a train wreck. Which does make me sad because a lot of people admit they first come here because the title shows so much humorous potential...which I hope it did for some back then. But it's my trainwreck. Yes, I know there are gawkers. I also know there are those who choose to stay-to offer encouragement and even, sometimes, a kick in the pants or another way of looking at things. Some have told me that they have learned from this blog. Learned to appreciate even the simplest things about married life. Learned to think about what is important. I was lucky in that I also got to learn that from a dear friend. She knows who she is but I won't mention her name because I don't want to subject her blog to this. There are those who have sent emails, cards, and gifts meant to encourage. I can never hope to let them know how they have helped us. I could never express how a Christmas package sent by some of the most wonderful women I have ever met and yet never laid eyes on brought cheer to the face of a little boy who was missing not only his daddy, but also his sister's presence when she was sick. How excited he is to open a package from Iceland saying," I can't believe this box was 'actually' in Iceland." All of the things, a prayer candle, a well written card, an invitation into the lives and families of others. It helps the hurt and loneliness but it will never make it all go away.

I will always, a part of me, wish I was with him. At times, it will be a greater wish than anything else. But I can't go with him. I want to, and here, I won't lie about that. I love our children too much to do that...at least I hope so. And I do the things that I can to keep this life as livable as I can. And that includes writing on this blog. You can say to me whatever you wish, Anonymous, all I ask is that you leave innocent bystanders (my Husband, the readers, and also my children) out of it.

I appreciate it.

A Lesson Learned... and a tough week.

2008-07-16T22:29:00.002-05:00

Let's see...well... The root canal turned into a nasty extraction. And I sit here wishing he were here to baby me. He was so good at babying me, and so many found that so hard to believe. I miss him more it seems.

His birthday was Monday and I found myself reading the blog entry of last year and hating myself a little bit. I had put off buying his gift. Yes, it didn't matter to him, but it matters to me now. I can't go back and change that. It is...always...going to be about regrets.

Our anniversary would have been Saturday. I can't believe-can't make myself believe-that there will be no more of those happy years to mark off. Only one, one anniversary that even the thought of brings me to tears.

The other day, the receptionist at my dentist's office (we all went to high school together so I know them well) asked "What can we do to get you to stop this?" What can we do? I don't know. I just need him. God I need him-

-to buffer every tough moment with the kids
-hold me when I fall asleep
-listen to me and talk to me (God I don't want to forget the sound of his voice)
-make love to me
-be me...he was me...and I am lost still.

Nik's graduation party is next weekend and I have done the following to prepare:

-Absolutely nothing

And 100+ people are expected when I only expected to get a 50% return on the invites. 20 RSVP'd after the date of 7/10. There it is...and I don't want it.

I am going to do some therapy tonight and visit some blogs.

Home...with more pictures, but not enough to bore you...

2008-07-11T21:44:00.003-05:00

My niece, helping my little nephew along.
All five of the grandchildren in one place...for the first time ever.
Hanging out in the "O" in California Adventure. This sign is being taken down so I am glad I got this shot.
My nephew, J (for the sake of privacy) loves his daddy (my brother) so much that it brings tears to my eyes. He also doesn't scream or cry when he is afraid. He is afraid of trains. He will say,"Buh bye train... see you soon." or (with the Bart Simpson live character) buh bye Bart, see you soon..." The funniest was in the Shrek 4-D attraction. "Buh Bye pigs (3 little pigs), thanks for all the fun. See you soon."
Apparently, he also likes cartoon girls in zebra bikinis. He is a wonderfully sweet and funny little boy.

We are home, and I am relieved that I made it through. It was nice to have a big group to go with. There was a bit of angst and frustration, but we didn't rip each other apart. A very good thing.

I am now facing a very tough week ahead. It hit me at the dentist's while scheduling another root canal. She scheduled it for monday, which is Leonard's birthday...which also means that 5 days later is our anniversary. Only there's no year to celebrate. I hope I make it through this.

All systems clicking

2008-07-05T11:34:00.002-05:00

So far, so good. The kids are getting along *pretty* good, with just a pillow fight this morning. But it was a *happy* pillow fight. I have the three kids in the room with me and it looks like a war zone with bras holding down the bathroom, but...it's vacation.

Today we are going to Universal and also (the thing I can't wait for) meeting my nephew Jacob. He is 2 (almost 3) and we never got to see him. My brother named him (middle name) after my husband (middle name). He (my brother) was upset because he was waiting for us to come out to tell us that. These are the things it hurts to think about.

Yesterday we did the whole tourist-y thing. The Chinese theater, pictures with ragged characters (we got the kids and their Uncle with "Jack Sparrow") and a visit to the new Highland shopping center. My purse strap broke (why does that always happen on vacation?) so that was a good thing. I got a new one (bigger and roomier for all of "their" stuff) with well sewn on straps. We then went to Rodeo Drive and, sadly, (or good if you think about it) most of the stores were closed and/or closing. I came *this close* to getting a Coach purse, because I always tell myself I'll do it some day... but I am to cheap to actually do it.

Last night was dinner and watching fireworks at my brother's. We were thinking about going to Newport Dunes... but you have to get up rather early and we slept in. I wanted to meet a dear friend of mine (none of that appears to be working out) but it was too late to find a parking spot. We'll have to plan something else I guess.

I love my nieces. They are so sweet and funny. For 6 and *almost*4 they are very smart and very good talkers. Also, very good huggers. Which is just the medicine that Auntie needs when surrounded by so many painful memories.

So that's what's going on with us. What is going on with you?

Random trip photographs

2008-07-04T11:52:00.004-05:00

The Day Before

2008-07-01T15:27:00.002-05:00

For once, I have *most of* my clothing packed for tomorrow. James begged me to not be running all crazy tonight, so I did it. Although, I will still be running crazy, of course. There are still toiletries to pack, the Yukon to drop off (I told my mom she could take it to WI for my grandma. A prescription (I need a root canal, I guess) to be picked up and a million other things. So, instead, here I am. Because I am not here as often as I want to be. I have been suffering from some crazy form of "people fear", outside fear, life fear...you could call it really. I have shut off from a lot. I realized it was hurting my children so I have to work harder.

I have joined this decade, finally, by buying a NintendoDS for the flight. Nik has one (James has the PSP). I thought it would be fun because everyone is always talking up BrainAge and, also, this way Nik can contact me on the flight from whatever seat she is in.

Nik's best friend is coming with us, as well. She has always been like another kid to us so I am looking forward to spending some time with the two of them before college calls them away.

What I wish most is that I could live someone else's life for awhile. But that's not possible, is it?

I plan on taking the laptop with me and hope to post updates as we go along.

Who's Your Tiger?

2008-06-25T08:39:00.002-05:00

Mine is, this year, Miguel Cabrera...seeing as the Tigers got rid of my favorite, Craig Monroe, last year.

Yesterday we went to the Tigers game-Nik, James, Me and Nik's boyfriend-with a few friends I have made on an internet message board. It was good to see these friends and spend some time with them. The kids were happy because we made it in time for the promotional give away. It was a replica jersey from 1968, when the Tigers won the World Series over the Cardinals. Sadly, the Tigers did not repeat that win yesterday, but the game was exciting and I think everyone had a good time.

This week I am tying up loose ends (more like entire lengths) in order to take off for California and a visit with my brothers next week. I am sure not to get everything in order before then but a girl can try.

Busy and Baseball...replaying my life

2008-06-20T23:51:00.001-05:00

It's been busy. Okay, not really busy, but James did have 2 games this week. So that's my excuse. 4 RBI's and 4 great plays at 1st base for him. They played under the lights and he really enjoyed that.

Otherwise, I've been wasting time-going over events, again and again and a thousand times again. Thinking of the one little thing that I shouldn't have done that Thursday evening. But really...where does it get me? Not very far.

Tightrope walking

2008-06-14T22:06:00.002-05:00

Arrggghhh...But, I'm getting better at it.
This morning we went over to my mother's house to say goodbye to my cousin, his wife and kids. They were here from Wisconsin to pick up Grandma and take her back for a two week visit. I am glad she is doing this. She is so healthy and spends so much time behaving as if she is frail. At 84, you'd be stunned at how well she moves. She was looking forward to it and I hope she doesn't cause too much trouble for them while she's there. It is, at times, like dealing with a 6 year old.

We took them out to lunch at Big Boys. Their oldest boy K. (11 and very close with James whenever they get a, a not so often, chance to see each other) always wants to go there when they come over because Wisconsin doesn't have Big Boys anymore. Last year, when we went for dinner, Leonard bought them all a Big Boy bank. This year, they had bobble heads for sale so I bought each of the kids one... It was sad, and yet funny, because their youngest son (also a K) brought us a twist tie and said,"I took it off so it wouldn't kill him... But keep it handy, just in case he attacks you." I swear, where do kids come up with the imaginative things that, so often, they blurt out?

Getting to the tightrope part. I spent most of yesterday and most of this early day with my mom and family. That should be nice, right? As I was leaving she said,"I'd invite you in, but I know you have plans." (insert huge sigh here) I was good about it, in part because I don't/can't care anymore. This afternoon was Nik's good friend's (like a daughter to me and I think I've mentioned her here before) graduation party. One, I told them I would bring wood. Two, I had asked my dad to come along to help me with the wood. The only thing I can think is that my mom must have driven by (a rather long drive just to see if my dad's car was over at my house, but something for her to do when she is itching to have a reason to believe I don't love her/love my dad more/am a poor excuse for a daughter) because she called on my cell phone some time this early evening. She did not leave a message. I noticed the call when I returned home. When I called her back I got the usual you-are-on-my-shit-list-now responses because I had been out with my dad. Short clippy, I hate you so much, type of answers. And, sadly, no I love you. So be it. I am a bad person for spending some time this Father's Day weekend with my Father. Sigh...

Suffice to say, I cannot walk the tightrope of trying to keep the terminally unhappy happy anymore. It's really too much and almost feels like a waste of a day and half spent with her. Moving far, far away seems so much more appealing.

And so, Summer begins

2008-06-13T20:51:00.002-05:00

Sorry to those of you who chat with me at the other place, for this is a reprint from last night's pictures.
Isn't it amazing that, on the first night of summer, my little guy was fast asleep by 10:30. Isn't it also amazing that he can get up at 7AM by himself, in the summer, when he whines, and yells and cries all year long at that same hour. He was up with the birds today.
We went to visit a cousin of mine. He's in town to pick up my grandmother and take her back home to Wisconsin for a couple of weeks. I am glad she is finally realizing that she is still mobile and able to go and do things. They come up every year and we used to do family things with them. The zoo, Henry Ford etc... The asked if there was anything I would like to do and I declined. It was really hard enough to just see them. It's another situation where Leonard's absence is made sharper by would used to be.
Tomorrow is round two of the grad parties, and I also have to pick up Nik's pictures. Once I have them I'll scan them in and share them.
Have a wonderful weekend.

One more day...

2008-06-11T21:55:00.003-05:00

...until James is out of school. I cannot wait because the days will not be so empty with him around. It makes me wonder just how I will deal when he grows up and moves on in his life.

We (My dad and I) moved the extra chair I bought to his apartment today. It looks nice there and has also freed up one spot in the living room. It was beginning to look like a parking lot of chairs, and tables and ottomans and couches... Krandall is still up against a wall, awaiting his fate. I have made the decision to give him away. I can't hold on to everything and looking at him is usually enough to send me off into hours of tears. I can still picture my beloved curled up on his side, sleeping, waiting for me to come in and wake him up for bed. I miss him. But Krandall is, after all, just a chair.

James and I had just each other tonight. Nik and her boyfriend were off to the Tigers game. They are also going tomorrow night. I wish she would do more around the house... I wish I didn't have to plead. I have gotten to where I just about give up.

I am mad at myself for being quick to anger today. I was frustrated with my dad. He continues to tell me what I should do, how I should handle things and it gets under my skin. Yes, he is a huge help and I am so glad that he is here but I want him to be just Poppy to the kids. I can't rely on everyone to fix my life. It is unfixable at this point. At least there is nothing he could say to fix it. I know he badly wants to. Telling me I am wrong at every bend in the road isn't going to do it.

Am I as scattered here as I feel I am?

The kitten is a whirling dervish tonight--eyes huge, ears flattened, racing around. I've been calling him speed racer. A boy kitty with a mission.

Krandall is going to the same person who took the truck. The thing is, I wish he would stop bringing up the truck. He is also a bit of a story teller, a bit full of himself, and the exact opposite of Leonard. Of course, Leonard was perfect. This man is my mother's "new daughter's" husband. I can see why she likes him so much. I don't want them dwelling on something that doesn't concern them. Aye...contentious me.

A Dark and Stormy Night

2008-06-10T06:52:00.002-05:00

Now, if I could just find the strength to drag those huge water logged boxes on the side of the house upfront for the garbage guys I would be happy.

My other pets (Merlin and Jessie) are not so very please with wicked weather. James and Kittimus thoroughly enjoyed it.

Why is it that waking a child up for those last few days of school is 10 times worse than waking a child up in February when it's 12 degrees out? Perhaps it is nature's way of ensuring that we will welcome them home for Summer Vacation with open arms.

Weekend Review

2008-06-09T07:08:00.002-05:00

I have not spent as much time outside of my house in the last 9 months as I did this weekend. Saturday consisted of two graduation parties (much to James's chagrin) and a welcome home party. Sunday was an obligatory visit to my mother so that she could "celebrate" my birthday--it also included one horrendous storm of the type that you don't want to be in the structure (modular on stilts) that we were in. Needless to say, we survived.

Party number one was for my next door neighbor's son. He is the one, I mentioned a while back (sorry I have a headache and can't find the right post to link to, who gave a wonderful eulogy... He is the one who often looked to my husband for guidance. I felt really bad because there appeared to be a low turnout and they had spent a bit of money on the hall and food. I was sorry that we couldn't stay longer. But it is also weird to not really know anyone. I am not a crowd person and find myself uncomfortable in situations such as that. The day was filled with those which is why I think that I have the headache I do. Stress.

Party number two was for Nik's boyfriend; another party at which a felt slightly uncomfortable. His family was nice though and James and I spent a good deal of it sitting out on the patio, attempting to catch any stray breeze that might happen to pass by on a rather stifling afternoon.

Party number three was a welcome home party for Nik's best friend. Her mother is also my best friend so this was a welcome respite from not knowing anyone. I still feel odd when I am out and about but I put most of that on myself. We finally made it home (after waiting out a thunderstorm...well two thunderstorms if you count having to wake up James to get him home).

Sunday was about going to my mom's for a cookout. The cookout ended up being hamburgers on a George Forman (sp) grill. She also bought a small cake for my birthday. Then a horrible, scary storm kicked up. I found out something else about myself. I can add to the growing list of things I am no longer afraid of in the aftermath (including but not limited to: flying, driving at high altitudes)--I no longer fear storms as I once had. The fact that I have lost these fears is, in itself, scary to me.

I hope everyone made it safely through the weekend.

Happy Birthday Me

2008-06-06T07:33:00.002-05:00

Today is my birthday. I was born at 6:28 AM so I have already moved ahead...on into a year, an age, that he will never get to see or be. I dreaded this day ever since August 27th (the day after), whenever I let myself think about it. I would like for it to remain just a day now.

My husband always called it Double D-Day. One for Normandy. One for me. The funny thing is, our first home was located on Normandy St. Somewhere there is a zippo lighter commemorating that 50th anniversary of D-Day that I gave to him so he wouldn't forget.

Today the couch comes. I am trying to clean at least that little corner of my world as it will be difficult to move the couch once it is here. I am wondering if it will even fit in the door.

I have a feeling today is going to be very long. It's a day I want nothing to do with.

Balloon Release

2008-06-05T16:21:00.002-05:00

That, above, is the new couch. I found it on the manufacturer's website. It is also a sleeper sofa for when people come to visit. It is mocha colored and I am a bit concerned about stainage, so I bought an extended stain warranty too. Wish us luck. I know somebody asked me-no, I haven't yet returned to the room. I don't think I can and I am starting to think that a move will be for the best. I am still so haunted here.

Tonight, Sandcastles is having a balloon release. I am a little petrified at the thought but we will go. One of Nicole's best friends has returned from almost a year out of country. Her mother is my best friend and is the woman I so often speak about helping me through. E., the daughter, was not here in August, so Nik invited her to the balloon release. Suddenly, there I am again. It is the day before D-Day... My birthday... when I officially get to an age he will never be.

Out with the old (and I mean really old)...In with the New...

2008-06-02T23:03:00.001-05:00

Thanks to my dearest friend and her husband, I was able to move the couch out to the curb today. Why yes, after quite a few months, 5 to be exact, I have found a couch. At first, I didn't want to buy anything that he would never see...I didn't want to get rid of anything that he had never used... Baby steps, I guess. The new couch doesn't actually get here until Friday, but tomorrow is garbage day and I don't feel like having a ratty (and I do mean ratty) old couch hanging out in the backyard, when the backyard already looks a little sorry most of the time.

I bought my dearest friends dinner for their trouble. I kind of felt a little dorkish and "Oh Hai, let me hold the door for you and all..." as they took the brunt of moving the couch. The onion rings were burnt and had to be remade. Apparently, it got to a dicey part of the Stanley Cup Finals and the boys (boys used so loosely here that they'd slip of your wrist) forgot about the rings and they watched the game. It was a good time and James was up too late. But, I'll worry about that tomorrow.

Crazy Dreams and Crying Boys... A Conversation with my husband.

2008-05-30T08:46:00.002-05:00

First off, thank you Melissa, for pointing that out to me. I guess it is the dichotomy of his relationship with his family, and some of the completely our of the ordinary things they have done (ex. setting up times to pull up in the driveway and honk the horn for James to come out...without telling me. That was what was on my mind for that post). I have welcomed them into our lives...his life, I guess. But it appears it shall only be on their terms. In my defense, a lot of this "moving on" has been suggested since Sept 1. Also, my husband's name is not to be brought up by his children. It saddens me I guess. But I cannot control the world.

James had a rather rough time of it last night. I don't know if it is jealousy or changes or just little boys being little boys...but most times he doesn't like his sister bringing her boyfriend over. It is a love hate relationship between James and his sister, for sure...just like siblings the world over, but this has a tendency to send him into a crying jag. Perhaps there being four, but one of the four isn't the one he expects.

"I want my Dad"... rocking in the swing. I took him there to calm him down last night. We sat and rocked and talked in the backyard. When his "best" friend gets mad at him he tells him,"I'm so glad I have a dad..." Things that make want to run and wring necks...but I can't. I can only tell him that it is a difficult thing for his friends to understand. That the permanancy is still something that he, and they, will grapple with. And then he confessed his still held guilt. That is what always gets to me. That this small (well not so anymore) would feel guilty for something beyond his control. I understand it, because I am there too. We glided for awhile and talked about changes, and that maybe moving would be for the best. We talked about him trying to stay by himself at night... I think he is almost there.

Bedtime came fast. I always try to physically exhaust myself to keep from thinking, which then leads to dreams. I think, because changes and moves had been on my mind all day, my husband popped up...across the breakfast bar, where he always sat after work, while I cooked. His face so sad... It was odd, because I could feel myself crying, even while sleeping.

We talked. About James...oh how sorry Leonard was.
About Nicole...still more sorrow.

What was I thinking of doing? His question.

I don't know.

Do what's best. You've always taken such good care of us all.

I don't know what to do.

And then this...

If given a chance at it again...where and with whom do you think you would end up?

If given a chance I didn't want, I wouldn't take it. I wish so much that you had realized that you were it for me. That there isn't another you. There is only me remaining of us. Yes, I will move, but never forward, to a person I wouldn't want as much as I want you...

Such sorrow on his face...and tears that were rarely seen from him in real life. And knowing, and realizing...

And then I woke up to start another day.

James did not yell at me this morning, as he so often does... that is a start.

Monday was much better...

2008-05-27T21:52:00.002-05:00

We got a last minute invitation to a friend's daughter's birthday. It wasn't last minute on purpose...it's just who they are. I understand because, hey...I haven't ordered Nik's pictures yet, not to mention her announcements (which will now have to say "has graduated from..."). It was extremely warm yesterday (80's to high 80's all day). Perfect weather for a little girl's birthday and their baby boy is one who smiles all the time. In fact, he is the baby that cheered me up at the service, with his sunny smile and tongue sticking out. A real sweetie, that one. It was good for James to get out. I feel, so much, like we are losing contact with my inlaws, which isn't good for him...but helps me in small ways. They have a rather odd way of grieving and feel as if we all need to pick up and move on. That is just not something the kids and I can do. I also think it gives us all somewhat of a background into what my dearest had to deal with as a child and young man.

For those of you following James' budding baseball career, he actually stole home plate tonight and they blasted the Red Sox (little league sox of course) 15-10.

I am needing to be here, writing, more than I am at this moment. I am needing to thank so many of you for keeping up with us. I am grateful...and also tired so I guess it is bed time.

See ya tomorrow.

Sunday Morning Mourning

2008-05-25T10:14:00.003-05:00

Somedays are better than others. The kids are off at a parade and I am thinking here, in the quiet mess that is this place, about him. We should be going to the parade to watch our kids ride the float for a local politician that Nik is interning for but I found myself crampy, and crying and feeling it better for them to go off and have a good time. So many lines in this song hit home with me...but one in particular.

"As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice"

It is our last phone call...only I didn't know it was.

Introducing...Old MacDonald and Stewart Kittimus Prime

2008-05-22T21:50:00.002-05:00

It is amazing because this little boy is very shy and ended up with the lead role in his school musical because...well...because he wasn't there that day and no one else raised their hand so...there you go. Old MacDonald-Stage debut in EIEI--Oops! He was wonderful and I had been so worried because he had become an inconsolable little monster with fretting about it, begging me to email his teacher and beg off...telling me I was a horrid mother etc... So I didn't invite anyone to the Spring Concert because I didn't want him to be embarassed. Then he went and blew them all away. Ad libbing these little overall hitches that had people rolling. Not on purposely swaying in the wrong direction most times during songs...then realizing he was getting laughs and continuing to do it. His music teacher winked at thim the whole time over it. I was proud...and also sad because, again, no dad. And I watched dad's carrying crying, bored little ones out. I watched a toddler walk up the steps shouting "Dada"... and was sad. Also, one of the classes sang "Grandma's Feather Bed", which was one of Leonard's favorite Denver songs and there was a beautiful piano solo of "Yesterday..." We celebrated with high 5's from everyone and ice cream.

And the second part of this post is to introduce you to Stewart Kittimus Prime. Yes, we love our black cats in this house and have always named them Merlin, but there is still a Merlin here. So he is Stewart (after Jon) and Kittimus Prime after Optimus Prime because Nicole is a Transformers Geek...of course, so am I...but only a little bit. I would have been happy with just Stewart, but now everyone is happy. He's a sweet little cuddly guy.

Graduation Day

2008-05-18T21:16:00.004-05:00

What I've Done---Linkin Park

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

[Pre-Chorus]
So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

[Chorus]
I'll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
Well I cleaned this slate
With the hands
Of uncertainty

So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

[Chorus]
I’ll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

For what I’ve done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done

[Chorus]
I’ll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

What I’ve done
Forgiving what I’ve done

Our day started with this. This song. One, because it is Nicole's favorite movie, and her brother loves the song. I find the song makes me think of my husband-to where it almost sounds like his thoughts-but I was determined we would have one of Nicole's beloved "Dance Party" like moments this morning. We cuddled on the couch and sang "Happy Graduation Day" to our sister/daughter...and then got dressed.

And then the serious tears started. The night before I had given her a diamond peace pendant (you can see it in the photo with her brother) and made it from her Dad. I knew it was what he would have done...if he were here. I found the perfect card to go with...words that I know he would have used...I signed it "Dad"...

And we were off to the church. Her friend Michelle (pictured above) who has been like a daughter to us since she first came into our house to spend after school hours when she was ten...after the death of her own beloved father. That's Nonny in the middle (my daughter's grandmother and my mom). Tears at quotes like "I have learned that those we love and cherish the most are gone too soon..." To seeing my ( I swear to God she was only 3 yesterday) baby walk up to get her diploma, Pomp and Circumstance, tassels turned, hugs from beloved teachers... the tears welling up in my own father's eyes. All of it at times becoming to much. This yearning to feel my husband's suited shoulder up against mine...like all the other parents there in the church. Not to be. He would have been so proud of that NHS sash... He would have found her the most beautiful and accomplished young woman there. He was there, I have to believe that even as I go slowly crazy from all of this... I have to.

And onward to James's opening day for baseball season. Where my beautiful boy, who grows to look more like his daddy each day, got 3 hits, 3 RBI's and played a mean first base. Not bad for his first year.

God, it feels good to type here tonight.

Nicole is off to Senior lock in...James is up a little later than usual due to the chaos of the day. All is normal....except... There will always be that exception to kill me in the quiet hours.

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-11T09:17:00.002-05:00

To the wonderful friends I have made here, the family that may, or may not, lurk here...to all of you who are, or wish to be, Moms.

Today is hard. It used to start off with my husband and my son agreeing on the this question, posed by my husband,"We have the BEST Mommy in the world, don't we?" That won't happen. And each of these events: Mothers Day, Graduation, Prom...all of these things that he should be here for... are breaking me. The little inconsistancies, that grow with time, in my parenting, and/or lack of... scare me. I am making a mess of this. How does one do this? Change that, how does one do this when one doesn't want to, isn't the strong one, and isn't prepared???

Trips and Tears and Testng my limits

2008-05-09T18:28:00.003-05:00

Prom went off without a hitch for Nicole... Well, there was one hitch. The one where I had to re-hitch the brooch part of her dress back on her dress after it dropped to the floor on their way out the door. She had a good time and they looked nice.

I am dull and drab and wishing that I had blogged here more often, instead of staring off into space. I think part of my problem is that, when the real hurting started, I shut myself off from the rest of the world. I haven't really "chatted" with anyone, haven't done much of anything. Unless you count the part where I went off as a chaperon on James's trip to Mackinac Island. That was a tough one because it not only was a visit to a place where Leonard and I had made many memories... we also stopped at Hartwick Pines, another of Leonard's favorite places. I spent a lot of time trying not to cry by throwing myself into the activities with the kids. Although it was bitter cold, I sat "up top" on the ferry to Mackinac with the boys in my group and we came really close to "Mighty Mac" and the boys loved getting ice cold spray in their faces. James? Well James was smart. James was down with another chaperone because he didn't want to "get cold". We were gone for two (pics of which I will have to scan in when I get them developed because we brought disposables)nights. I had to walk the halls each night between 2 and 3 AM...which isn't conducive to a good night's sleep and also leaves the grieving much more susceptible to crying bouts. I went outside at 3 AM, thinking I could have a good cry, and go to bed.. Only, when I came in, James's teacher was up and I could not hide the fact I had cried myself blotchy. He didn't say a word, though. I appreciated that.

I have more to write, but I also have two work reports to finish and if I don't do those well... Then I'll really be remiss. I've missed "being" here and hope I haven't worried anyone too terribly. I was just going through (still am) a spell of hating this and missing him and being disbelieving about the whole horrible mess.

Parent Appreciation Night

2008-05-01T06:55:00.002-05:00

Last night was Nicole's schools' Parent Appreciation Night. Nicole goes to a school with a graduating class numbering in the 30's, so they can do this-without it ending up being an hours long event. It is hard for me to act "normal" in these situations. The saving grace is that Nicole's friend M lost her father when she was 10...so at least there is one person (her mother) who understands that odd, spacey, not wanting to do this without him, kind of attitude. It was very well put together by the kids with some very funny moments. For me, it was bittersweet. It was what Leonard, even more than I, had looked forward to, planned and parented on. He wasn't there, only present in his name on my bracelet. And all of these moments, strung together like those beads spelling out his name, make me sad. So very sad. So very still not wanting to do this thing on my own.

So much for Warm Weather

2008-04-29T07:40:00.002-05:00

It was nice while we had it, for last week. It was good to see James out argu...er...figh...er...playing with his friends. I have been having such a difficult time of late that it is good for him to be able to run off with them for awhile. He started baseball and it appears he is a natural at 1st base.

Nicole has prom coming up on Friday, so I will be dusting off the hair pins and spray again for both her and her girlfriend. Her (Nicole's) dress is a flaming orange with matching shoes and perhaps we'll get a tiger lily for her hair.

It has been so long since I've written anything of much substance here and I hurt for it. It is just that so much is hitting me all at once that I don't know where to begin. With Nicole graduating, and the summer sports schedule coming up, it is almost hard to breathe. Thank you all for you constant concern and many kind words. I think I will spend the day visiting my favorite blogs and then come back for round two.

Rough patch

2008-04-25T21:52:00.001-05:00

I'm just going through a rough patch at the moment and cannot seem to keep my head together for the time it would take to fill you in. I am hoping to be back soon. I had some days where I really thought I was losing it. Thanks for your concern.

Merlin

2008-04-17T21:33:00.002-05:00

And now, for something totally different, this is Merlin. Merlin is 15 (almost)and, despite arthritis and being a bit pudgy (25 pounds at last weigh in), is still getting around pretty well.

Merlin was my father in law's cat. I will never forget going to visit my father in law and seeing this little bitty black cat in a hamster cage with a can of Fancy Feast... My father in law was not well versed in the care and feeding of a new born kitten, but, somehow, Merlin survived it. We had Merlin's brother, a gray Tabby named Sweetie (because we thought he was a she). They were alley cats and my father in law said the daddy cat was the biggest domestic cat he had ever seen. By the time Merlin was 8 months old he was huge. We were stunned, the next time we saw him after the kitten in the cage incident. A panther like creature (with the little bittiest paws) strolled out of the bedroom. Merlin ate whatever my father in law ate. He is the only cat I have seen growl and chase off a dog 4 times his size over a piece of meat.

My father in law gave Merlin to us the year before he died...when alcohol replaced a cat as his best friend. Merlin came to us demanding people food (no sirree kitty boy) and was not, shall we say "cuddly". I think he missed his daddy. Most days I would find him laying on his back, cooling his tummy like in the picture above. It is almost indecent if you stare at it for too long. In time, Merlin became Leonard's best friend. Wherever Leonard was, Merlin was. When Leonard came home from work, Merlin would stroll up and talk to him until he responded. I swear to God, this cat would talk until Leonard paid attention to him. Krandall (the chair) was purchased in part to make room for Merlin to lay alongside Daddy during afternoon snoozes. They were buddies... and now it seems, again, as if this (not so) little guy is lost. It hurts me to see him wander through the house, crying for his daddy. I know people will think I am crazy but he is not the same cat. He has, in a sense, lost his nuclear person twice. I see him, now, trying to imprint on James. James is annoyed by this and does not appreciate Merlin waking him up in the morning as much as Leonard did. Try as I might, Merlin is just not happy cuddling with me and kneads and head butts and rolls around... finally giving up with what I swear is a sigh. I look at this cat, who is one of my connections to my husband and my father in law, and I dread the day I don't hear that cry anymore. Leonard always promised he would take care of the animals "when the time came". That is the reason why we brought them into the house. I guess it's just another thing affected by his not being here. How different and hurtful this life now is... for us all.

Spring Cleaning

2008-04-16T23:21:00.002-05:00

At least, I hope. There were those 2 (or was it 3 after all) drawers, and I got rid of the dust bunnies (more like ponies) behind the television. So, as I often say, there is that. I am attempting to pitch and sort and decide...because I don't know what to do or where to go right now. I just know that this was our house,and yet I cannot think of it as my house. I don't think I can go on here without him. But, the sifting through of our life (too short) together is too much to contemplate at some points, and not so bad at others. Tears are threatening so I'm going to cut this short. I miss running around, visitng blogs. Perhaps I will do that tomorrow.

I am not a 9 year old

2008-04-15T22:01:00.002-05:00

Tonight was our Parent Meeting for the upcoming trip to Mackinac Island. I find myself wondering what I have signed on for (little sleep, much headaches, and hopefully a few memories of time spent with my little boy to cherish). This will be a tough thing to do because Up North is "Leonard Country" and we once took Nik to the island as a 4 year old and I know that there will be bittersweet memories around each bend our bikes take.

I cannot stand the way the principal acts and speaks toward the parents of the school. One, they had many questions. For many of them, it will be the first time their little ones are away from home over night...let alone hundreds of miles away. And he doesn't appear to take this into consideration and each question asked was a visible irritant to him. I am quite grateful that this is his last year before he moves on to Superintendant... although I do find myself thinking there are other, more qualified people for the job. Ah well. I am sure you will hear lots about this trip afterward. I imagine there will be lots of fun fodder for the blog.

I want to take a minute to thank Linda. Linda, you have no idea how much the candle meant to me. What amazes me is how little gifts and notes and emails come at times when I feel like I am at my lowest (it's amazing how low one can get without truly hitting the bottom). Linda sent me a beautiful votive holder inscribed "This light is me saying a prayer for you"... It is lit and sitting right next to me-making the night seem a little bit less lonely. You are so wonderful to do that. The friends I have made and the outpouring of generosity and caring blow not only me away...but also my dad. He does not come here because he says it is hard enough to read my face... without reading the words that go with it. I do tell him of the cards and the remembrances and gifts that are sent and it has given him a whole different view on this open diary of mine. I know there are times when he thought I should close it down; that sharing this pain was going to end up hurting me more than it would help. I think he sees how cathartic it is for me. Words are all I have. Sharing my love with you all keeps him alive in some small way and I need for him to be alive. Because that can't happen, this is all I have.

Someone mentioned one small word today. "Titatnium"... and I was in tears. Leonard worked with titanium and was an artist in crafting it to the specs he had put forth. I don't think that the word will ever just be a metal for me anymore. It represents a life to me now. A life taken far too soon. The part of my soul that rips wider each day as realization smacks me-hard-each morning.

Good night all.

Two Drawers...or is it three?

2008-04-14T20:39:00.002-05:00

Oh boy, what a waste of a day. I did manage to go through a couple (or maybe three) drawers today. I have a donate and a pitch bag just about full. I am at such a wall these days. I don't really know what to do with the future. I'm hanging in there for the suggested first year of not doing something that one might regret, but it's difficult.

To be honest, most of the day I spent sleeping. Not good, not good at all, Laura. I think this weather, and the dreariness of it all, has taken it's toll. I think the situation at home is almost too much. Seriously though, I am okay. I am not suicidal, I am just tired of it all. Don't worry. I'll deal. I still just don't want to.

Conferences

2008-04-10T16:50:00.005-05:00

Here are James's pictures of the wildflowers along our route. You can't see them bloomwise, but you'll have to trust me that they were beautiful. Ronni, if you are near Houston, there are literally thousands of them along 465 once you get out of the city.

Today was James's parent/teacher conference. This year, I have gone to each of them with a sense of dread. I was never this way. I always walked in confident that all was well, that he was keeping up with class, that he was a good kid. Well, he still is and I am just a worrywart I guess. Waiting for things to get worse. I was greeted with many anecdotes about how getting detail out of him in writing exercises is like pulling teeth, how he has a great dry sense of humor, how he is friendly and the teacher loves having him in class because he is "teachable". James, I confess, kicks up such a fuss about going to school (he always has) that I worry, in his grief, he will give up. But he hasn't I am beginning to think that he plays the "I don't wanna go mama..." game to make me feel bad because he always comes home with so many stories of the fun he has had. I am grateful, this year, that he has a male teacher. He has taken extra time with James. Talking about his interests and telling him stories. He, too, has a sense of humor that ranges somewere between the Sahara and a sidewalk in LA around August, but James gets him so all is good. As reward for his hard work we went to the book fair. He picked out three books... One on airplanes (of course), one on WWII (of course) and The Guiness Book of World Records (which I loved as a kid too). He wanted a book of Playstation Cheats, but I vetoed it because my one "thing" is the book must be of educational type. I will even allow Captain Underpants, but $7 to learn how to circumvent a video game? Nope.

Nicole has 1 month and 4 days left of school and I cannot believe it. I don't think she can either. I still haven't ordered her senior pictures. I just now thought of it as I was typing this. Also, I am in trouble because James has a field trip (overnighter to Mackinac) the night of her senior prom. I cannot be in two places at once so, as I've already been told, I'll be letting down one of the kids whichever one I don't attend. I wouldn't let James go without me or another family member so I'm doubling hating the single parenting thing tonight.

Tonight was also Sandcastles. Sometimes I can just "stare into space" myself through. Other times the reason I am there, and the not wanting to have the reason to be there hit so hard I can barely breathe. Tonight, another woman was talking about her troubles with her in-laws so it was easy to just stare.

I have a new hobby...rubber band ball creating. It's not much, but it's something and great stress relief. It was actually something James started up and grew bored with after a bag of bands. I continued on up to an 8 pound ball (I know, because I measured)accompanied by a lot of laughter from my children. Yes, I am lame. No, I don't have a life anymore.

Random photographs...and Musings

2008-04-09T21:30:00.003-05:00

I'm not in a very wordy mood tonight (but that could change once this gets going) and yet I find so much comfort here that I figured I could take a few moments and share a few pictures of our recent trip with you all...or, given the destination, should I say ya'll??

Goggle Boy and/or the Creature of His Cousin's Pool emerges from the depths during a late night swim:

Aunt M and Cousin in law S out for a late night dinner. Are you catching the pattern here? Too much to do, not enough time. They both had sangria, and I was jealous. I took a sip of S's and then Aunt M's (I suddenly feel like Dorothy) just to make it even. They are nectar, I tell you.

Tab Hunter (aka James) strikes a pose. When he was 3, and lounging on the steps of another pool, my girlfriend nicknamed him Tab. Perhaps a future in goofy beach/pool party movies for him? Arrrrghhh.

The kids, happily together, at the WWII plane expo that Uncle R. took them to. They were giving rides in the B-24 for $360. What a bargain for the total enjoyment of watching one's child fly in a 60-70-ish year old plane. I passed on that one. FlyBoy was not too happy. While they were doing this we were checking out the model homes that appear to have taken over the NW Houston landscape. They are gorgeous homes at 1/2 to 1/3 the price of what they would be here. Blew. My. Mind.

And, because all good things must come to an end, the beginning of the ride home. I was grateful at this point to have Aunt M. in the car. She kept James occupied by providing his new puppet with a voice and an alter ego. It was so good to here him giggle again. The ride home was a bit unsettling because the monotony of it all tends to make one think to much about things one would be better off not thinking. And then, on the second day, was the dream. But, all in all, it was good to get away to a place where no memories wait to torture. The only time it gets me (and it did get me one morning) was times when I was talking to R. Leonard adored his cousin R. and they were more like brothers than his real brother. To see us all around the table without the one who should be there made me misty quite a few times.

And since we were talking about sangria above...OMG, I finally found a beer (I can only take occasional sips these days) that is enjoyable (and this coming from the daughter of a man who made his "fortune" in the beer industry. It's a beer with clamato and lime in it. I think it's called "Chelada"... Sounds gross but tasted good...for a beer.

Texas Wildflowers

2008-04-08T22:34:00.004-05:00

How amazing are those highways in Texas? How could all you Texan bloggers keep the wildflowers a secret? Or maybe you haven't and I just miss your posts... Blue bonnets waving goodbye to us, mixed among daisies and those giant,thorny clover looking flowers, and paintbrushes... I just wanted to stop the car and sit and gaze at them. We had a schedule to keep though, and all I could do was catch as many of them with my eyes as James took several blurry, whizzy pictures out the window. I was going to share them, but blogger is not letting me post pictures.

I am thinking, today (and I say today because tomorrow it will be completely different I am sure) of new countertops and bay windows (in case of a sale) and tattoos, and how much anti-depressants don't help (Cymbalta=wicked bad dreams and Lexapro leaves a horrid taste in my mouth), and the things I "meant to" do today. All the while a report sits here, half finished on my desk. AND, I typed loosing, instead of losing on Tessie's blog today...and am mortified. Why won't Blogger let us idiots edit our posts??? So there it is.

Good night all... Maybe pictures tomorrow. Sleep well.

I Dreamt of You...

2008-04-07T22:01:00.003-05:00

And I've been trying so hard not to. I don't want those precious moments with you...the ones that will drift away, revealing the nightmare when I awaken. But, on Saturday, you were there-in my dream. God how that hurt to wake from.

It was so real, Leonard. It was Friday, 4:18 (I know, I looked at the clock) and you walked in the door. I was stunned and then thrilled and then full of questions. How did you get home? (I had sold your truck) You got a ride from a friend. Only I don't remember hugging you or getting the kisses that I've read that so many widows receive in their dreams. You were worried. What would we do about the life insurance? The SSI...all those things that really wouldn't matter if I could only have you back. Somehow, in the space of you and my dream, I got two jobs at two salons (I haven't used my license for pay in years) and was so very happy to have you back. I got confirmation that yes...yes it was all just a horrible, very long nightmare... Only it was when I woke up that I realized the nightmare was real, and the dream contributed to the pain. We (Aunt Marie, James and I) were at the hotel. I took a walk outside and leaned against a rail, trying to picture you standing across from me; where would I be looking up to-what space- if I was gazing into your beautiful eyes. I said the things I would say (just normal things) if you were really here. But you aren't, and you won't ever be. Why can't I feel you anymore? You weren't really even you in that dream...

And then I turned and saw an SUV. On the back of the truck was a sticker... the kind that usually say "Polaris" or "Dodge Boy" or something and it said, in 8 inch letters, LEONARD. I wonder what that meant.

The only thing I'm sure of is that I miss you so much. I long for you. I need you. I love you...

Back Home (?)

2008-04-06T21:29:00.005-05:00

We made it back to Michigan at about 6 PM tonight. I really missed being able to blog daily (connections were too spotty to be able to complete an entry) and it feels good to be back.

James had a wonderful time with his cousins and also meeting cousins he had never met before in San Antonio. My Uncle N. is a Lt.Col (ret.) in the USAF so he got to see all three San Antonio bases up close and personal. We visited Brooks, Lackland and Randolph... James was most excited about Lackland, due to it being a maintenance base and the fact that there were 12 C-5 Galaxies on the ground and one in the air. My uncle was very impressed with how much plane knowledge one little 9 year old boy could hold. He also drove us by two of the missions and we had dinner on the Riverwalk. I was able to see my cousin P. all three days, and she is really so very strong. One would be astounded to know that she has daily radiation treatments and just finished chemo. It was also a very sad time. I had to relive those days, and all the days after, for those who were not able to come up last August and-as it always does- it tossed me right back into those feelings again. Not that they ever leave, I just sometimes get really good at pretending I am someone that I am not.

It was so nice to have Leonard's Aunt M. along for the ride down. She is very entertaining and kept James in giggles for most of the ride there and back. We found out she is hilarious in making up voices and actions for the new puppet that I bought James in Old Town Spring. She touched on issues concerning my mother-in-law and all I could say was that it wasn't a major part of my life anymore (the incesant troubles seem so trivial in the wake of it all). She also asked me to recount what happened. Freshening the hurt, but sometimes (especially lately) I need to talk about it. I feel him slipping away from the memories of people. I can't stop it but I can't handle it either.

We looked at a ton of model houses while there. Aunt M. is a real estate agent and I am an appraiser so it is interesting to see what new houses go for, what they have and don't have as opposed to ours. What they are, in Texas, are amazing for the money... Which brought about another round of "you should move here's" from family. Only, right now, I am lost... I feel as if my place anywhere is gone. The missing has become intense again and it feels, each time, as if it takes a little bit more out of me. Me, scrambling to find something to hold on to. This evening, at home, has been one of tears and hastily wiped eyes, gulped sobs...in front of a little boy who so wants me to just be "normal" again... Only what, and where is that? So, here I am...back here...what used to be (but doesn't feel like) home anymore.

James and Uncle N.-happily looking over James's military airplane book. Uncle N. was delighted with his fascination with James's fascination with his military career... and a new bond is formed---

90 Degrees...

2008-03-31T09:24:00.002-05:00

We made it to Texas on Saturday which is pretty good time. Just checking in. Talk more later.

Love,
Me