Up to things.

I've been up to things. Several things...

James is no longer an elementary school baby. In fact, he's "on the list"! Yes, I am sounding utterly incoherent but the theme of his "graduation" was Hollywood. Is it just me or is it amazing to you how many "graduations" children go through nowadays? Anyway, it was fun, I finally got to see him interact with the teacher who "hated" him and I cried a lot. It is those moments, as I've said before, when his father isn't present that his absence is breathtaking. On the up side, for there is always an up side if you look hard enough, James' aunt and his great aunt were able to be there. On the even uppier side, my father (yay for dads!) came down the next day and is still here.

See the little kittens there? Aren't they cute? Want one?

In a fit of madness, blinded by the cuteness of it all--- one kitten for James turned into two kittens for James because I couldn't bear to take the tabby and leave the little runt calico all on her own. We are regretful, also amused. They are fun in a destructive, where's the Shamwow sort of way.

Look at that! Someone came and dug a huge hole in our backyard, and I paid them too! And the Homeowner's Association got all in my face, and I found out that Homeowner's Associations are the equivalent to GOD in Texas. I also found out that, even though I followed the rules and submittend everything and received an "Approval", they can decide that I hadn't. Yay for swimming pools though.

Strength

Is kind of a joke right now. I am, to be honest, struggling.

Peace. Peace is what I wish I had...

Some great lyrics by O.A.R.:

I can almost believe that you're real
And it's love in my heart that I feel
But there's something between us
That can't seem to get through it all
If I could only read your mind
I would know how to save you this time
With love, love is worth the fall
If I could only save the day
Here in your world I could stay
For love, love is worth the fall
Show me the way, let me see
Into your soul let me breathe
I will wait through the ages
And watch you sleep
straight through the night
If I could only read your mind
I would know how to save you this time
With love, love is worth the fall
If I could save the day
Here in your world I could stay
For love, love is worth the fall
Sleep, darling sleep
Dream, darling dream
Open those dreams to me
Yeah, only read your mind
I would know how to save you this time
With love, love is worth the fall
Yeah if I could only save the day
Here in your world I would stay
For love, love is worth the fall
Love, love is worth the fall
I see you right there and you're smiling
Alone in your bed, that’s my love
It's better than listening
When nothing is said
I lay down beside you here
I do it for love Love,
love is worth the fall

Blogging on Paper

When my grandfather died in 2001, my grandmother's doctor told her to keep a diary. She was a physical and emotional wreck. Not really because of the loss of my grandfather, but more because of the fact that he took care of her. On the day of his funeral her concern was "Who was going to drive me to the doctor?"

I had forgotten that (for reasons unknown) she gave me this diary when they were here in March. Was it to garner pity? A show of widowed solidarity? I don't know. What I do know is that the entries struck me as odd. In 98 entries, mostly focused on what she ate, who had called or written, who was tops on her list for doing so, what her most recent medical complaint was, she only mentioned my grandfather once. On her birthday. Not his. Amazing to me. Yes, we all grieve in different ways...but it was a window into who my grandmother is. To me, almost an unfinished painting. One who has yet to see outside of herself, and, at the age of 85, probably never will. It is funny that I found myself wanting to hit the comment button after every post. I wish that we could discuss these entries in some way. That I could ask her what she learned from the process (that she has since given up).

While I did find myself feeling sad (or pity at least) for her on some occasions, I found myself mostly disbelieving-for, on the day of her daughter's (my aunt) death she again asked the question, "Who will take care of me?" Heartbreaking in that you never really know much about a person until you really read their words I guess.

Better

Thanks everyone. James is better. At least, the swelling on his arm is better. He's one of those kids who gets knocked down by antibiotics so he's been a bit sleepy and clammy, not to mention a teaspoon or two of cranky mixed in. We had a birthday party to go to (for my nephew) and he stuck by my side the whole night, which is decidedly not James. It was a pool party (swimming in April!) and he is usually a fish, but not tonight.

Things are...okay... I am finding myself wishing a lot lately. Wishing the house up in MI would sell (hey you know anyone who's looking...blah, blah, blah....). I thought we had a hook last week when someone asked for the seller's disclosure, but they offered on another. So I dropped it $10K. It is now ten thousand less than what we paid for it (ouch) 10 years (ouch) ago. But, to sell it would be excellent. I wish the pool that I'm buying was already done. Yes, I decided to put a pool in. Since this is where we will be for now until forever I decided to go for it. Prices are lower than what they were so now is a good time I guess.

Thanks again...

James

Please keep my little guy in your thoughts. The thing that I had thought to be an allergic reaction to a bug bite-a bit of swelling on his arm-turned out to be a giant, baseball sized lump when he got out of school. I took him to the ER and he has cellulitis, believe to be from Licorice scratching him. After begging, they gave him a shot of penicillin and sent him home with me with antibiotics. If he is not running a temp tomorrow, and the doctor checks him out, he can stay at home with me. Otherwise he is in the hospital on IV antibiotics.

Why?

A Sometime Scary

Sometimes, oftentimes really, it is very scary to be here-doing this. Not blogging. Definitely not blogging, because I haven't been doing enough of it for it to be the thing that hides inside the closet of my heart and head. It is scary to be doing "this". All of this. The moving, and selling of the old house (got *this close* to an offer, but no cigar), watching my son grow and, all the while, kind of being suspended in a way. A way in which I pretend that the days will just go on and on with James being 10. That there won't come a day in which he-rightfully- leaves the nest and I will be left with the empty spaces of a future that should have been two of us. What will I do? That is what scares me. In being honest with myself, and possibly incuring the wrath of the all knowing "Anonymous", I sometimes hope not to live so very long after my nest is empty. It is not grief I wish to deliver to my children, it is just the empty...the empty of not really wanting to contemplate things, or do things, venture out on things without the one who was supposed to be by my side.

Anway, these are the things that have kept me from blogging. These, and the infernal boxes that continue to scream out for unpacking or tossing or a mix of the two.

Back to "normal"

A picture of us that was left in my mom's camera. Memorial Day 2006. These are the things that seem so gone... so lost.
Shopping with "the aunts" in Old Town Spring. To the left is Aunt Rosalie, Leonard's aunt, and behind me is Aunt Sharon, another of Leonard's aunts. It means the world to me that family ties remain tied.
Mr. Blue Crab. The day we don't bring a trap to the Gulf, there's an abundance of crabs.

My mom and grandma were down for 2 weeks after a 1 week visit up to Michigan for James' Spring Break. Spring Break comes so early down here. It was a disjointed 21 days and now I find I have to string myself back together again. It was a whirlwind of visiting up there, the rodeo down here, San Antonio and the Gulf Coast. Now...peace and quiet and trying to get my head back together.